Do you remember
All those years ago
I went to your softball game,
You lost, and you cried.
On the way home,
Your mom tried to make you feel better,
Which didn\'t really work.
But I think it was the fact
That I was there,
That made you tough it up and quit crying.
I used to feel the same way.
But now that you’re gone,
That feeling is too,
Because now,
When I cry,
I don’t have you there
For me to tough it up.
Instead, I scream,
Dying from the inside out.
But I can’t let that show,
Because everyone would laugh
They would say I was overdramatic
That I care too much
That I can’t let go
Even though I was the one to cut the rope
And sometimes I don’t regret it.
I have new friends now.
Friends that I am confident love me for me
And I love them too.
So much.
But sometimes I still think about it -
Who we would\'ve been
Would we be better than we were before?
I tell myself that I’m okay,
That if I just swim hard enough,
Fast enough,
I’ll make it to the surface,
That I’ll be able to breathe again, even without you.
But I know now that that will never happen.
This world is a constant nightmare.
Without you, I fear I will never wake again.
Without you, I fear I’m going to die any second.
Sometimes, when it gets bad,
When everything is crushing it’s every weight on me,
If I were to die,
I feel I would embrace death like an old friend.
Like I would you.
Because you are my death.
But I know I can’t turn back.
People would call me envious,
Psycho,
Weak.
No matter how much I tell myself
That I am not weak,
I know that without you,
I will always be weak.
But this loss
Is a loss of which I know
Will make me stronger.
When I go to bed at night,
The first thing I think about is you,
Those cheery laughs,
Those happy sleepovers,
The times we practiced softball in your massive back yard.
I think about how,
Even in the middle of my worst spike of depression,
When I couldn’t get off the couch,
Or brush my hair,
Or socialize,
You lifted me up.
You gave me a rope to cling to
When I was falling off a cliff.
Those days are gone now,
And no matter how much I love my new friends,
I am back in that dark spot
But this time,
I don’t know
If I will be able to swim fast enough.
But I\'ll be fine, right?
Right?