i have this Mask i wear
i put my Mask on early in the morning
i wrap it tight round my face
With tight knots to keep it in place
i put it there to keep me safe
my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see
At least nobody around but me
my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper
Sometimes my Mask will slip…
Or a friend will tug at its strings
my Mask will fall away for a brief moment
A glimpse of the person behind my Mask is shown
Behind the mask of false confidence lies anxiety
Behind my mask of smiles and laughter
Lies, tears, sobs, and self-loathing
my loud voice covers the soft but growing Voice in my mind
Voice says “You’re not here and nobody cares
Whenever someone grants me a rare compliment
The ruthless Voice in my head scolds me
For even trying to believe the kind words People will say
It tells me that They are lying
it reminds me of everything i did wrong
Or that I may be better off dead
i chose to show bits and pieces of me
i never show it all while i watch for how you react
I offer the person behind the Mask in parts because that\'s what they are
They are Broken
The pieces that i cut myself on
Trying to put them back together
And i hand a pieces to you one by one
With bleeding fingers
i had a Mask
And it makes it hard to breathe and a hard to think
i have this Mask because what was behind it was wrong
It was the things that had labeled me as ‘emotional’ and a ‘crybaby’
I discarded those into the void behind Mask
These days my Mask has gotten tighter
It’s getting harder to take it off when i need to
And the broken pieces are getting bigger
Emotion’s been hidden behind my Mask with the Broken pieces
my Mask has cracks in it now
From Emotion’s rioting
And the nasty Voice leading the charge
Sometimes i have to check my Mask in the mirror
To make sure it looks convincing
i practice my smiles and laughs
my frowns and grins
i check the mirror
My mask is almost good enough
She’s practically flawless
i tighten the knots on my mask a bit more
And restrain the emotions that fight my mask
The Mask is cracked now
Her pieces are digging into my flesh
But still, i keep Her on
It’s tightening more each day
Smothering me
Like a boa constrictor does to its prey
Until it no longer struggles and no longer breath
Can you see it?
i have this mask i wear
i put it on in the morning
i wrap it tight round my face
With tight knots to keep it in place
i put it there to keep me safe
my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see
At least nobody around but me
The Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper
She’s made of fake smiles and painted with lies
“How are you?” someone asks
The Mask says “i’m fine”
the same bitter lie with a sweet smile
‘This kind of acting deserves an Oscar’ Voice laughs bitterly
The Mask agrees silently while holding back Emotion’s tears
i have this Mask i wear
i put my Mask on early in the morning
i wrap it tight round my face
With tight knots to keep it in place
i put it there to keep me safe
my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see
At least nobody around but me
my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper
i didn’t always have this Mask
But now i can’t live without it
It’s becoming my glue
The thing that holds me together
If i take it off i’m certain i’ll shatter
Because the me behind the Mask is broken but
It was never my fault for breaking
Even if Voice tells me it is
It’s not my fault that it hurts to look at mirrors sometimes
It’s not my fault that i don’t like to eat
Or that i don’t like to sleep
It’s not my fault that people like to use me and throw me away
And it’s not my fault that hugs scare me sometimes
Loud noises too
It’s not my fault that i’m a bit strange
Cause what is strange really
Is it something different or something different from you
i have this Mask i wear
i put my Mask on early in the morning
i wrap it tight round my face
With tight knots to keep it in place
i put it there to keep me safe
my Mask isn’t one anybody can really see
At least nobody around but me
my Mask is not made of plastic, wood, or paper
my mask keeps me safe in a way
It stops the questions
And keeps Emotion at bay
Sometimes my thoughts get loud
So I play my music louder
To try and drown Voice in the lyrics
Sometimes it works but often Voice just gets louder and louder
Til i can’t hear a sound
Not a even a single thing
I couldn’t even hear the phone
couldn’t even hear it ring
It gets harder and harder to think with voices yelling in my mind
It’s harder still to breath
It hurts to know that my mind can hate me more than anyone else
I have this mask
And sometimes it hurts
But i keep it on at my own expense
Even though it hurts
I keep it on though it infects my skin
Even though it hurts
I gaslight myself into believing that im okay
Even if i’m not
Cause it’s better to think you are
even if deep down you know your not
It gives me that false sense of security
It gives me the strength to make it another day
They say better bittier truths than sweet lies
But let me keep my lies
“Are you okay?’”
There’s that question again and again
The one that hurts to answer
The question that scares me
It’s terrifying because i know that every time i answer
It’s always a lie
i say i’m fine
Hell i’d say i was fine if i got hit by a car
i have,
and i did.
Even when i’m hurt my mask stays firmly attached to my face
It’s become a second skin now
My Mask is special to me too
It’s different because i made it so it can change when it’s supposed to
These days it’s gotten hard to tell if i do feel sad or happy
‘cause i’ve been gaslighting myself for so long
I don’t know if im forcing myself to feel
Or if it’s the real thing
I used to have nightmares every night
I was relieved to wake up
Now my nightmares start when i wake
I don’t worry about monsters in the closet anymore
The only monster hiding in the closet is me now
Ive made friends with the monster under the bed
And the monsters in my head
The monsters used to scare me
They used to hurt me
They used to keep me up at night
Now i’m the one that scares me
i’m the one who keeps me up at night
And i’m the one who hurts me
Most of the time
….
Have i become my monster?
Or was i always the monster
And they were simply apart from me for a while
Now the monsters have become a part of me
Just like Emotion, Voice, and Mask
It hurts as another piece slips from me
Shattering into millions of pieces
my Mask at first was a shield
A source of protection
Now..
It has become a poison
One that i willlingly drink
Infecting my anatomy
Turning me into something im not
And something i can never be
It’s searing into my skin like acid
But i can’t take it off now
I’ve worked too hard to take it off
Besides the knots are far too tight
to even hope to remove it is foolish
i keep the Mask on for my safety
As well as yours