seventeen

for good

my hair is dirty,

my parents are still trying to fix me.

i’m breaking my pencil with force, taking my pen

i drink another bottle,

i go the sleep

and in my dreams i’m lost in a mirror maze

i wanna smoke,

i wanna lose myself for good,

i want you to understand

and make myself understood

my hands are bloody,

i wanna hurt myself again

but what am i going to tell my mother?

there was an oak tree

i used to love.

now that it’s gone, where should i go?

i wanna scream,

i wanna lose myself for good,

wanted to rip my chest apart

and show you everything i could

i want my pills

and i want my cat,

i wanna see your face

but i don’t wanna leave my bed

my eyes are closed,

i keep you out of sight —

you are inspecting me and looking for deep wounds

i went to see the cemetery today

in the darkness of the night.

i think i am becoming someone else

i wanna go wild,

i wanna go somewhere in a van,

i wanna ruin myself

so no one can

i wanna sleep,

i wanna lose myself for good

i wanna kill myself

before anyone could

the look in your eyes,

i see that again,

the way you sigh

and the way you slouch.

if only in that lottery game you’d

gotten someone better than me

there’s this never-ending silence

from the other end of the call

and the days are getting longer,

and i’m trying to forget it all,

and through the thick stone wall

i hear my mother crying

my hair’s still dirty,

i’m feeling light-headed

and under this dizzy spell,

before i can even tell

that all the mirrors are clear,

i think

i am finally lost