I am smiling, and I am wearing tight clothes, glitter wrapped around every crevice of my face, laugh lines accentuated by sparkle
I’m in a bar with my friends and it is New Year’s, and I feel magical until my sister comes rushing down the stairs to tell me that he is here. I have not seen him in over seven years except for the whispers and gossip that people tell me and Coffee Shops, bedrooms, and bars where I stayed hidden from him for so long
I walked up the stairs leg shaking, stomach turning and I didn’t see him
In fact, at first, I mistake him for someone else
I drink pour my belly full of liquid courage
and then I open the door to the outside and standing there, face-to-face almost nose to nose
It’s him
My nightmare, my biggest fear, come to life
he came alone with no friends
In pinstripe pants and a top hat
I gave him a dirty look and walked past
Like he was no one
Like he never abused me
Like he never pretended to love me
Like he never raped me
Like he was just a loser in the bar.
And then it hits me that
That’s all he ever was
Just a man.
Simply vapid human.
Someone I don’t care about at all.
The ball drops and I go home
I have so many feelings but mostly
I am happy
Despite his abuse, despite the pain, despite everything
I am happy
He exists, and he existed in the same room as me and I survived unscathed
I will never forgive him
But finally
I’ve forgiven myself for allowing him to be in my life for so long
I saw him I did not shed a tear
Instead, I shed the layers of fear coiled around my membranes
Drifting to the ground
To be left untouched