It was pitch black, the ruthless night
Unforgiving, unrelentless and unsatisfied
If you listened close enough, you could hear it
The devastating crumpling of what was left of my heart
It’s a good thing no one ever listens
I’m afraid it would break their stone hearts if they saw me
How can you possibly give me an explanation,
For something as cruel as fate or destiny?
Midnight has never tasted so bittersweet
The words I said all those years ago echoed in my head endlessly
Except this time, it wasn’t ironic or sarcastic, or for kicks and giggles
It was a desperate whisper, tragically soft, entwined with treacherous thorns
“Am I really so unlovable?”
Is it true that the antidote I gulped desperately was a curse all along?
It seems I forgot the unforgiving nature of truths that will always remain agonizing
No matter if it is concealed under hundreds of disguises, it will forever remain vicious
And now that I’m paying for it, a little white lie or bluff has never seemed so harmless
He broke my heart without even knowing it
He shattered what little hope I had left lingering in me
He finished the battle I had been fighting ever since I was born
How can someone who doesn’t know you become a corrupt catalyst?
I was too busy reeling from the realization
That while I had met many cruel men in this short lifetime,
The only good one left me hurting, too
He doesn’t even know I exist and still somehow defined my entire being
I stared, and stared, and stared, and kept on staring
At the mirror, at my soul, at my empty boat left sinking near the dock
I’m afraid the happy ending I imagined as a little girl will die before it even reaches me
Fading into the receding sunset and taking my purpose with it
I sniffled softly and drank the rum of my salty tears
I quickly swallowed the want before it defined me
But the thought of being alone seared my skin with longing
For change, for love, for forgiveness, for redemption, for someone, if anyone at all
I’m so terrified for being this young
Should I fear what I have become, or grieve for what will be left of me?
Shall I board the train already, should I bid adieu prematurely?
I’ll burn all the fairytale books if that’s what it takes for someone to love me
It’s a harrowing sight, really
To see a creature so desperate, so hurt, so confused, so small
I think I love like a dog; messily, panting, drooling, and whining
Isn’t it disturbing that I bare my teeth at the mere thought of you leaving?
I’m sorry for disgusting you, my love
Tell me to change and baby, trust me, I will become a stranger in less than a heartbeat
I’ll tear myself down and apart before I let you see me for me, or recognize these damaged goods
I can replace everything except my nationality, and for that, I’m sorry
I wonder what happened that left me so wounded
Could it be the trembling figure hunched over the bathroom sink?
With shaking shoulders, quivering lips, and watery eyes?
Praying for death, for alternate realities, in search for teeth-rottingly sweet love?
I want to puke at the thought of dying alone
Is it really so selfish of me to want to be wanted?
To be offered tenderness, quiet peace, and soothing whispers,
In place of harshness, deafeningly loud violence, and bone-rattling shouts?
I didn’t believe it at first, I desperately didn’t want to
How could a teenager have an epiphany such as this?
To believe with every fiber of their being,
That they were truly and irrevocably unlovable?
Until I realized that they were me
It’s the same story, circa 2014
And the fantasies that will die with me
Courtesy of the love I will never receive.