The prick of a needle
The prod of an IV
The shine of a flashlight, temporarily blinding you
The stinging in your eyes, holding back tears that were long overdue
The ear-splitting, throbbing headache crushing your skull
The metallic bitterness of blood flooding every last sense
The burden already overwhelming your senses
The nausea squeezing your empty stomach
Echoes of retching and cries for help heard in the distance
Pain spreading like cancer, growing like a poisonous tree
Despair holding onto your heart
Insecurity clinging to every last part of you
Jolting awake every two seconds
The beeping growing louder
As the need to escape gets more urgent
The want to leave this behind triggers your fight-or-flight response
And then you imagine yourself running away
Going into remission, hoping it’ll get better
The memories of better days flashing through your eyes
Glimpses of what could’ve been
But ultimately a life that ended in debt is all you see
The whirring of a CT machine is all you hear
Your wide eyes staring at the nurses who stare back questionably
Your calm demeanour almost breaking, nearly cracking
The panic simmering in your heart
Turning into a full-on boil while you wait for the news
Staring up at the white ceiling
The white curtains
The white stretchers
The white blankets
The white coats
The white lights
And the killer headache, still hammering in your head
The nausea still thundering in your wretched stomach
The regret still washing over you in periodic waves
As they perform their exorcisms, coaxing the illness out
It’s relentless, blow after blow, one after another
What will happen now?
What more is to come?
How much longer do you have to wait?
The serpent in your veins administering its venom
Is it really medicine if it kills you in the end?
And only then do you wonder;
For a split second,
How you ever thought you were invincible
How you ever thought you could fight this
How you ever thought you were stronger than this
How you ever thought life was better than this
For in the end, it isn’t about wars or love confessions
It isn’t about tragic endings or lost happily ever afters
It’s about freedom, a ruthless fight
And one you know you cannot win.