Oh what a terribly, strange dream I had
Although it felt quite real for sure
I met a Martian, well I think he was
I’ve never met an alien before
He asked me many questions
And some were quite bizarre
He wanted to know about rubber ducks
And why women had two breasts, not twenty four
He then proceeded to tell me
In a very knowledgeable way
That he had studied our culture for many years
And had a lot to say
He said that we had got a few things wrong
About how the Universe exists
First he said our TV God
Was in fact always full of sh**
He then said that our orifices
Were not used properly
I though he meant our misuse of language
But no it was the way we eat.
He said that where he comes from
There is uniform to everything
That there was one perfect purpose
For each organ and each limb
At this point I became quite cross
Because his smug superior views
Were incorrect and stupid
And then I told him so
It was at this point I realised
That his patience had run low
With a sigh he turned to his alien colleague
And said ‘Klutar, fetch the probe.’
It was at this point that I woke up
In a cold sweat and in a daze
Relieved to know that it was just a dream
That I\'m in bed warm and safe
But the worrying thing about that dream
Was in fact I\'ve felt some pain
Because dear reader I have to admit
That my bum has hurt for days