It happened again
But this time it was worse
I didn\'t even care if I\'d go to Heaven
Even though I know I\'m probably going to Hell, of course
I exploded, something greater than a nuke
Everything just got too much and I blew
All that anger, sadness, resentment, just bubbled up
The bottle I stuff my darkness in broke, and everything was fucked
Maybe I should explain
What lead to this explosion of pain
You see, I had a good thing going with you
I explained all my conditions, showed you my scars, told my issues
And you understood
Smiled that damn crooked smile and healed my wounds
Made me feel happier
I should have seen the upcoming disaster
Because the whole time you played with me, used me
You were with someone else
I saw posts, pictures of you and her, looking so happy and free
Alone, in the dark, I threw up and cried to myself
Then you started saying all those hurtful words
Sharp words, opening wide those wounds you so carefully healed
Strange, you know how to strike all the right chords
All my pain came crashing back, and again I dreamt of Elysian fields
So yeah, that hurt more than I could ever admit
Because I opened up, exposed my heart, and you stabbed it
Big fucking surprise
God, sometimes I hate that I\'m so blind
Then I come home
Hiding my bloody wrists and thighs with a sweater
Eyes red from tears, lips pressed together to suppress the storm
The storm of shit brewing within me, more rainy weather
Just for my separated dysfunctional parents to call me down from my room
For another \"family dinner\"
That ended in a cacophony of yelling and screaming, but I knew
I knew that\'d happen, to that, I\'m no beginner
But, when it came to my sea of pain I was no swimmer
The yelling, cursing, just broke something deep within me
All that anger, pain, sadness surfaced for everyone to see
I snapped, a broken rubberband, a set off bomb
Tired of all the shit, blurry guilty face of Mom
My quiet demeanor disappeared, was no longer there
I screamed, cried, got up and threw my chair
The negativity I always pushed down rising, eating me alive
And I collapsed, the only sound my choking cries
Stumbled to my room, sobbed on my bed until I slept
Waking up, empty and alone, in a cold sweat
I could already feel myself disassociate
Numbed myself with my meds and my vape
Only to go back to school with that fake smile
On my broken face
Sneaking out at midnight, walking for miles
My numbing limbs moving faster as I pick up my pace
Running on the road, dangerously close to speeding cars, sprinting to clear my head
Running away from the monster inside it, the one under my bed
Running until I cant tell the difference between sweat and tears
Can\'t feel my feet, don\'t care, just gotta keep running from my fears
Not even knowing
Where the hell I\'m going
Until I collapse on the grass
Looking into the night, I\'m in the cemetery
Lonely trees rustling, millions of tombstones stationary
And I felt at peace
Sitting there with the dead
Protected by the embrace of willows
Walking around, feeling my dissipating dread
Leaning against the trunk of a wise, elderly great oak
Taking off my sweater, staring down at my scars
Crisscrossing up and down my arms
Wondering when this shit will end
When can I rest with the dead?
The wind burning my gashes
That satisfying burn while I trace my slashes
Gently crying against the protective oak tree
Staring at the stars, longing to be up there with them, to be free
To be free of all the pain
To no longer feel shame
When I stare at my broken fogged reflection
Hot water burning my body, steam rising when I step out the shower
Quickly hiding my scarred complexion
Brushing my imperfect teeth so many times the toothpaste burns, tastes something sour
Going by, day by day, feeling like I\'m dying
But I\'m still fucking smiling
The crashing waves of pain
Lapping at my \"land of being okay\"
The seas of turmoil washing away all my innocent dirt
Replacing my happiness with grief and hurt
Wave after wave, causing damaging erosion
Waiting patiently
Until my next explosion