I wrote before about the loss of an employee
Who betrayed me with his own life choices
Those choices were inevitably his and his for him and not for me
As it should be
The writing spewed about how I thought of splatting my head from the third floor
It was an intoxicating thought at the time and nothing to adore
My head canted, looking back to my flight path
I was so close that night to meeting whatever maker awaits
Did I lack the courage that night, while looking out the gate?
Or did I have the courage to wake for another rotation of the earth?
I fucking rotated and upon reflection I learned anew
I was drunk the other night in NOLA where by myself I sat
After a night of friends and music and drinks and drinks
And it occurred to me that
The distraught me, the feel sorry for me, me, didn’t know it at the time
But I was hurting from the childhood I missed out on
The parent who left
And the parent who stayed, but was gone
Abandoned together
When the employee left our small company and corner of the universe
Those feelings bolted into my soul and sang a verse
The feelings of alone, abandonment, doggie paddling with sharks encircling
Sitting on a curb as a three year old crying, wondering where mommy is, no inkling
Where the fuck is she? And why am I alone?
My soul knew why I was so hurt and I was reaching for a bone
I now know - I was abandoned again, yes that’s what it was
I don’t know what to do with the hurt and sadness
But at least now, I know the cause
They say talking and expanding and unpacking emotions and feelings helps
Then why am I crying as I write this, and sit here and yelp?
What the fucking fuck fuck good does it do?
I can’t change what happened. So why should I stew?
I have already learned and fucking learned from it
Yea, I won’t do the same. I’ve not done the same. I’ve stayed.
I ultimately learned a bit