I always wished to die a million times every time I wake up from my short staccato sleep.
One day chain-smoking helped me stop thinking about what I want the most.
And made me start thinking about who I should become.
I want a beautiful body.
I want a calm resting soul.
I need eternal light inside of me.
Even if I have some, we all do!
I just need more.
I want to be like New York used to be one day.
I’ve never been there, only saw it in the pictures.
I guess I hope one day my digital reflection could be this stunning.
Breathtaking with long marvelous towers.
Giant and strong.
Rich is fashion rich in concept.
Having a strong will to become whom God wants me to be.
He was always too good to me.
Even when I don’t deserve it.
I always believe that we all deserve it though.
We always do.
We make mistakes, we grow.
With gold lines coating our cracked bodies.
Coating my skin like a sunset too beautiful to be real.
Too beautiful.
To be seen.
I wish I was seen before.
People always want something from you.
They leave us the moment we have nothing to offer.
I always sit in bathtubs I never owned.
Thinking about how I got there.
Thinking about how I let trauma define me.
I am simply undefined.
By titles by trauma by history.
I am whoever God wants me to be.
I am someone to be.
I have something to be able to do.
I don’t know it yet.
I don’t care to find out.
As long as I am beautiful.
Inside before outside.
As long as I am hopeful.
For hope to be the only thing I have to care about.
I have nothing.
I have everything.
I admire so little.
And I need much more.
I always thought about how lucky prophets must be.
Knowing who they are knowing where they came from.
I envy.
I lust such company.
His company.
God, I love thee.
And you showed me your mutual admiration.
I just wish to hear it.
Wish to see it written on my scares.
I don’t want to die necessarily.
Unless you are there with me when I cross the line.
I love you like no other.
I will love you forever.
Even when I am lying on the floor of a poorly lit bathroom.
With water covering every inch of my body.
My mortal body.
Covering my eternal soul.
The only thing I live for.
The only thing I have left.
The only thing I learned to love.
You and I are together one.