I want my life to be extraordinary
when I was a child
I promised to live every minute without apology
now I have realised, living every minute
means living every second within all those minutes
by extension, it means living every hour
every day
every life without apology
I am trying to remember that I am so achingly alive
I can feel the depth of pain so fully
bones cracking and blood rushing through veins
I read a poem aloud to my bedroom walls last night
pacing up and down because it had me so on-edge
the more I read, the more breathless I became
living every second does sound exhausting
but living doesn’t always have to be loud or intense
I don’t need constant bated breath
or tachycardia-inducing anticipation
living does not have to be indignant
it can be soft
warm
gentle
it doesn’t need to pull me along by the wrist
it can hold my hand
kiss my knuckles
trace my fingers
living can be sleepy
I stayed in bed with my sister until midday
and lived every second of it
every second, minute
hour
day, life
I am so sickeningly alive
the depth of my pain
is almost unbearable
pulverising and putrid
but so is my happiness
and my love
I feel surrounded by darkness
because the light is stored inside of me
droplets of it seep through my eyes
the pores I have tried to hide
pouring out of my fingertips when I write
beaming light
breath-taking light
there are sunflowers wrapped around my ribcage
and they face in all directions
because the light is so consistently bright
daisies on my lungs
roses on my heart
sometimes the thorns pierce through
but the light
the unapologetic light
the blazing, unquenchable light
shines straight on the pinpricks of torn flesh
they cannot hide
they remain exposed, revealed
until they heal
I want my life to be extraordinary
but just knowing I hold all of that inside
is extraordinary
I am so passionately alive
I am still a child
I will still promise to live with every breath
every heartbeat
every laugh
tear
pinprick of darkness amongst light
I will live extraordinarily
unapologetically
and finally,
something will feel right.
13:54pm – 25/10/23.