Im so tired
Of the repeating
Process
Unnecessary
Actions
Words
And implications
Being exchanged.
My brain
Blocking out
Everything i dont
Want to remember
Yes.
Yes, it was
My choice.
But it was because
I do not want
To go through
That, that
Thing,
Again.
The therapy sessions,
Trying to be nice.
Using emotional intelligence,
Trying to figure out the roots of these actions,
Maybe it isnt me.
Maybe all this blame on myself isnt necessary.
But of course i can’t tell him that.
I would get called a liar.
Then my feelings would be invalid.
Again.
Why is it that I can’t follow instructions, you ask?
Maybe it is because
I have gone through this too many times
Before.
I didn’t want to lie.
But it was one email.
A singular email.
Which is why I said no.
‘No, I did not demonstrate appropriate technology use today.’
What if I had lied,
Because of my thought of
That one email
Being insignificant?
But i didnt.
And don’t you think i know
That i will probably end up
Like my mother.
And,
To use the word you used,
A disappointment.
“I hope you aren’t as much a disappointment to your child as your mother is to you”
But she is not a disappointment to me.
She has problems, yes.
But thats what makes her human.
That’s what make me human.