I\'m so fucking tired
And this time not the tired felt when I don\'t get any sleep
But the kind of tired of having no energy for anything, of being undesired
Of closing my eyes and drowning in thoughts more bottomless than the dark blue deep
Tired of getting up after getting no sleep, staring at a red eyed stranger in the mirror
Brushing imperfect teeth so many times it burns, combing through untamable hair
Scrolling mindlessly through videos showing beautiful people with wonderful lives, thinking, \"I couldn\'t even be anything near her\"
Staring down at the scars crisscrossing up and down on my arms, faded now, but still there
An invisible reminder of my horrid past
Not that anyone notices, anyway
Plus, all of that has passed
At least that\'s what I thought, that it\'d all go away
But it doesn\'t, and it didn\'t
All it did was stay hidden
Waiting for the perfect moment to resurface
Now all I want, or rather need, is a good rest
Going out with that fake smile on my face gets tiring after a while
Locking up emotions in glass bottles that break out of their exile
I don\'t even know why I still try, honestly
Why I punish myself for the wrongs others have done to me
Maybe if I had been smarter, better looking, more quiet
Or louder, faster, on a better diet
Maybe then I wouldn\'t have been hurt the way I was
Maybe then I wouldn\'t be hurting myself at someone else\'s applause
I can make my favorite dish and still not be able to eat right
Because then I start thinking about my weight and resolve to stop
Even though I know I\'m not fat, but I am, but I\'m not
Sometimes the lines blur between what\'s real and what\'s just sight
I can feel cold creeping in my bones but the numbness in my body ignores it
I lay in bed alone and close my eyes but my brain is far from rest
And sometimes I turn on noise, or imagine someones laying next to me
Just so I don\'t have to feel so damn lonely
It sounds so stupid and pathetic but I have yet to feel great and admired
Because the truth is I\'m so tired
Of watching the same shows on TV where there\'s a happy ending
And wondering when I can get mine, imagining, pretending
That one day I will
That one day the racing thoughts will still
And the water leaking out my eyes will dry
One day, I can stop having to say that its just allergies, knowing its a lie
But maybe that\'s just life
I\'m always there for everyone else, a rock to hold on to in a gushing river
The one who saves everyone else but no one cares to save me, just if my smile quivers
Then they\'ll ask what\'s wrong, why I\'m not the way I usually am, why I\'m not \"myself\"
When the smiling, happy, funny kid was all just a persona created after reading out of a bookshelf
I\'m not actually happy, in fact, I don\'t even know what I am anymore
I\'m just tired of going on like this everyday, so tired I can feel it in my bones
I can feel it in my soul
Because I don\'t know who I am, and probably won\'t find out soon
I can plan and measure my life out with coffee spoons
But it won\'t mean anything, because in the end it doesn\'t matter
I\'ll just keep trying to get my shit together and still be scattered
From the aftermath of being shattered
I don\'t want pity and no I\'m not depressed
I just really want to rest
To be at peace with my mind
To not have to deal with everyone else\'s cries
I just don\'t want to be tired, don\'t want to play pretend and put on a mask
Is that really so much to ask?