After mom left Dad
She came back with the promise of staying
I remember her speeding down the dirty dirt road driveway
In that 1950 or 60 something Impala
Followed by billowing clouds of dust
Swerving as if there were hidden forces chasing
Like in the movies where the stunt men over steer for effect
She skidded to a stop with the back end of the car canted left
Jumped out and yelled, “they are right behind me!”
and she ran to hide into the house
As if it were her own
There was no one behind her however but
Her paranoid delusions of the FBI were the only ones there
Drugs...LSD? Who knows now
My Dad took her in and cared for her regardless
And she promised to stay
For good
The 4 of us (2 brothers and Dad)
Were happy for a fraction of time
The next morning, she was gone,
Again
In her wake
She left a 3/4 empty bottle of tequila
And she left my Dad\'s hopes and heart and body and soul
And She took so so much from my brothers and I too
And She took our hopes and hearts and youth and motherly care
And love
But wait, there\'s more!
And took my Dad’s money from his wallet
And what was lost of his hopes and heart
He was beaten
And done, finished, end of the rope, finito(sp??)
And so fucking sad
He came to me sobbing
To me, not my brothers
Not my older brother
I don\'t even remember where my brothers were in our
Small dusty, lightly furnished, clearly all boys, house
He laid his head on my shoulder
And wrapped his arms around me tightly
And cried
I felt as if I were in a human vice
Squeezing my soul because my heart wasn\'t there.
She took it and left me, left US
Again
My 15 year old shoulder and body tensed
And he cried and sobbed
I could hear the snot snorting back in
And felt it leaking on me
I think? Maybe I just imaged that
Tears flowing freely from the eye ducts
I couldn’t see his face, hidden from the universe
But I see it now
Baggy, puffy eyes closed and hiding and dejected
My teenage arms wrapped as far as they could
But they were too short to help
I was too young to help, lacked the skills to help
I didn’t know what to do or say
Such a burden for a 15 year old, I know that now
But for so long I’ve carried that weight
I think my service to others
And drive to help others comes from this moment
It was so impactful then, however, and I was hurting too
I didn’t have anyone to cry on
I don\'t remember crying back
I\'d like to think I did
But he needed it and so we embraced
I don’t recall how long the vice held on
But it is 38 years later now
And I still feel his heart-sick soul and sorrow and pain and torment
I still feel the torment
Again
That lost hope traveled through time
In reality world, in the now time
I don\'t recall or remember or know
Where I went after we physically parted
But I know what I did in the then time
I did what they both taught me and
I grabbed the left over bottle of tequila
and I took the remaining 1/4 down my throat
In a swig
All of it
And drowned my feelings away
Until today