“Dissociating for ten hours
A day is not good”
“When you feel a lot of things,
It sometimes seems easier to
Numb them”
“Try explaining your emotions
As an author would”.
Fine:
I am drowning in my grief,
My heart is slowly breaking in two–
I can feel each minuscule tear,
Moment by moment.
I am a shattered mirror
And a blanket stained with wine.
I am the embodiment of fear,
And my guilt is overwhelming.
My tears could take up an ocean,
If only I could summon them,
My eyes are dry as the
Deserts in Arizona;
And there\'s this scream in my throat
That is begging to be released,
A sound so broken it\'s pitiful,
But it\'s suffocating me, I can\'t
Breathe.
I am filled with the anger of
A thousand hornets,
Hot and heavy and intense;
The sweltering state of a day
Down south.
My anger is silent car rides,
Red faces
And raised voices;
Of men\'s calloused hands
And little girl\'s terrified screams.
I am vulnerable,
A sheep without its wool,
Every thought pulled and picked at.
I am fragile as the
Porcelain dish I broke
Several weeks ago:
They keep saying they\'ll fix it,
But they never will.
I am empty as the
Hot cocoa mug sitting on the
Table from last week.
It was full at one point,
But now it\'s just the shell.
Wash, rince, repeat.
I am empty as my stomach,
No more than 500 calories,
Exercise more:
The weight won\'t lose itself
And I become lost in an
Unimaginable field of guilt and
Wilted flowers
I am weighed down by
Bricks in my shoes,
On my back,
In my hands.
Every day adds more
And more
And more
And more.
I am as lonely as the raspberry tea
I made this morning;
I haven\'t taken one sip,
It\'s probably cold now.
I do not like raspberries.
I am falling into my pool of
Grief,
Trying to find all of the pieces
I\'ve lost along the way;
Maybe I can find the joyous child
In me again.
Maybe I can go back in time
And find her,
And hug her,
And tell her everything will change.
I miss her.
But I am embracing my
Numbness like an old friend;
She\'s been with me forever
Either way.
I can\'t remember what it\'s like to feel,
But I know a could,
I did,
Just a couple of months ago.