I
I didn’t care when they loaded all of us into those trucks
Why would I care, I was only four, after all
I didn’t care when they stuffed us into another truck more packed than the last
I was only four, after all
I didn’t care when they kept me with mother and took my siblings and father
I was only four, after all
I didn’t care when they loaded us into the stadium mothers and children scattered
I was only four, after all
I didn’t care when my friends started to disappear one after the next
I was only four, after all
Then I turned five.
In the middle of the night, they tried to tear me from my mother
She told me to run
So, I did
I didn’t know what was happening, I was only five
I went and I hid under the back row of bleachers
I didn’t want to know what was happening. I was only five
In the morning the sun rose. All was quiet now
I was quiet too, because I was only five
I looked around and saw our belongings, thrown, tattered and torn
I wanted my bear
Because I was only five
I searched and searched, but I couldn’t find my bear
All I found was shoes
And the smell of ash in the air
I didn’t understand at the time because I was only five.
But how I wish I could go back
And be only four once again
II
I was her mother,
Before the world shattered.
I held her hands,
Touched her face,
Whispered, “It will be okay.”
She was safe with me,
In my arms,
In my heart.
I was her mother,
I was enough.
Then they came,
With cold eyes and heavy boots.
They shouted and pointed,
But I stayed with her
My child, my heart.
I told her to run,
Told her to go,
But she held on tight.
No, my little one,
Run, run fast,
I’ll be right behind you.
But I wasn’t.
I was her mother,
But I wasn’t enough.
I felt her slip away,
The guards pulling at her,
But my arms—my arms were empty.
I called her name,
But she couldn’t hear me.
I couldn’t reach her.
They separated us,
I couldn’t fight.
I couldn’t even scream.
They led me away,
Through the crowd,
Through the throngs of faces
That looked just as lost as mine.
The walls closed in,
The screams started—
I didn’t know where I was going,
I didn’t know what would happen.
I was her mother,
But no longer.
I was just one more body,
Carried away with the others.
In the quiet, I realized
I was already gone.
I didn’t see her again.
I didn’t hold her again.
But I was her mother,
Once.
Before it all shattered.
III
I was just a soldier,
Just following orders,
Like the rest of them.
I didn’t ask questions.
I didn’t think too much.
They came in,
The people,
The children with their mothers,
The tired, the hungry,
Just like we all were.
I didn’t know where they were going.
We were told not to ask.
But I saw the faces,
The fear,
The tears
They all looked at me,
With wide eyes,
And there was one
A little girl.
She couldn’t have been more than five.
She looked at me,
With so much fear,
Her mother holding her tight.
And for a moment,
I thought I saw a glimpse of my own daughter.
But I quickly looked away.
I wasn’t supposed to think.
I told them where to stand,
Where to go,
How to walk,
What to do.
It was easy to follow orders.
It was easier to just do my job.
But then,
I saw her.
She darted toward the top of the bleachers,
Her small body scrambling,
Trying to hide
Trying to disappear.
The others shouted,
A few tried to move toward her,
But she kept going,
Climbing to the top,
Slipping behind the structure.
I watched her.
I watched her curl into the shadows,
A little girl, no more than five,
Hiding where she could,
Afraid to be seen.
Afraid of what was coming.
But then
I saw something on the ground.
A small, worn bear.
It lay there, abandoned,
In the dirt,
Forgotten.
I don’t know if it belonged to her,
But I saw it,
And I couldn’t shake the image.
I didn’t stop her.
I didn’t say a word.
I just stood there,
Letting her hide,
As the others were herded like cattle,
To the places I was told to send them.
I knew what would happen to them.
I knew it would come,
That they’d be taken somewhere,
Somewhere I didn’t want to think about.
But her,
She stayed hidden.
She stayed so quiet,
Behind that top row of bleachers,
Her breath shallow,
Her body trembling.
I didn’t know if anyone saw her,
If anyone else knew she was there.
I didn’t know if she would stay hidden forever,
Or if someone would find her,
And drag her out like the rest.
But for a moment,
She was safe.
In the dark shadows,
A small child hiding from the world.
And I
I let her stay.
When it was all over,
And the quiet settled in,
I knew she was still there,
Out of sight,
But I wondered if anyone would come looking for her.
I didn’t know what to think.
Was I doing my job?
Or was I just allowing her to escape
Only for a while?
She didn’t run.
She didn’t scream.
She just… hid.
And I
I left her.
But I wonder if anyone saw.
I wonder if she ever came out.
I wonder what would’ve happened if she didn’t hide.
But all I know is,
I didn’t stop her.
And she stayed hidden.
At least for now.
A small child, hiding,
Alone in the dark.
And the bear
The bear, still there,
A forgotten piece of innocence,
Left behind in the dirt.