\"You do the same thing over and over. What\'s gonna change?\"
-The talking brick in the Lego Batman Movie
\"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.\"
-Albert Einstein or Rita Mae Brown
\"That\'s not a breakfast. You can\'t eat ice cream and cookies and call it a breakfast. That\'s unhealthy. You need to stop.\"
-My mother
Caught in the midst again
I can\'t pretend
She\'s tryna take care of me I know
But I wish she didn\'t know
If I cared about me the way I wish someone cared about me would I make the same mistakes?
Would I let myself eat until I\'m sick just to try and numb the pain?
If I had the boyfriend I wish I did would I let him knowingly destroy himself?
Maybe I\'m not ready for a relationship
If my relationship with food is unhealthy
I guess I always thought it would fix all my problems
To have someone who cares about me like nobody else
I expect the problem to go away
and when it doesn\'t I reject the problem anyway
Is it my fault or the past\'s?
The people who hurt me back then
The trauma makes it feel like they continue to do so but I know they ain\'t doing so
I like to assign blame and hope it makes the issue go away but even I see right through it
\'Cause I keep doing the same thing, but not a thing is going differently
Stop
I tell myself I\'ll change the next day
Never in the moment if I can help it, ok?
It\'s all about making mistakes that I\'ll feel guilty about later
But don\'t expect them to cater
To your needs if you keep trying to please
Talk about appease
My mother pleads, but all I can do is continue
Because that\'s all I believe I can do
Freeze
Unless I choose to work the work and do the job
I\'ll stay this way forever
I think I\'m content the way I am \'till after an episode when I hate the way I am
It takes an interesting kind of desperation to chase change
And nobody\'s on your side when they think you\'re skinny anyway
But it was never about the weight you need the help to make the pain go away
All I ever get is encouraged to eat more dessert because I should fatten up
But my protruding belly after an episode you induced says otherwise
I said I was in my \"fat girl era\" out of desperation
You tell me I\'m not fat which I know but if I don\'t stop I will be
My body\'s not at it\'s preferred weight I\'d say it\'s fat for me
All I wanna do is be happy in me
Look
It\'s not great to gain 15 pounds in two weeks
But what do the numbers mean?
I know where I\'m comfortable but even then
It doesn\'t matter I\'m filling myself up without nutrients
It\'s why I\'m feeling so crappy I want it to change
So what\'s gonna change?
I\'mma change.