There are some nights, such as the one covering me now, when the silence becomes intolerable-not — not because it is silent, but rather your absence is sharper than any storm. The stillness is so profound that it can scream, and even the name that comes seeping from deep within us –not on my lips, but in my blood. I catch glimpses of your phantom and begin to speak into the silence, hoping for an answer, the answer I so desperately want, hoping the storm carries my calling over the reaching claws of the void that has taken you away from me.
All my thoughts circle one idea – how it all began — how it changed my dreary life and repetitive clock ticking into something richer when you decided to show up. With your arrival, all the apparent things of life, such as love and beauty, began to change with the blink of an eye. All because of you – because in my entire life I have never seen anyone so beautiful.
Your eyes stand out to me the most, not simply as pieces of colour and light, but as windows into a different universe. They aren’t just oceans; they are constellations underneath waves, pristine and unfathomable. And I, the traveller, dove in headstrong. But to my dismay, I could not swim through without being changed. But I surrendered cheerfully. What is life in comparison to the honour of loving you, after all?
An enigma you were. A dandelion soul with a rose-like heart, wild as a forest, soft as a whisper and forgettably fragile when the world presses down too harshly. How perfectly that fits you. I wanted to hold you gently so you would not bruise while also fiercely enough that you would not drift away. But how does one bottle light without fitting it?
Additionally, you left gradually, so there were no doors being slammed and no goodbye being shouted under the rain. One day, I woke up and your laughter no longer occupied my room.
I searched within the silence for your footsteps, not finding any. If I could call your name, I\'m sure my voice would only echo back to me.
I was later certain that I was not at the beginning of something timeless; I had yet to discover something monumental, which is sorrow. As far as I bet my breaths on a heartbeat, I wished that the next one would burn through and come out laced with your name, your essence could materialise if I tried hard enough. But, dear, much to my misfortune, love is not something that one can `summon` – it is something that must be dealt with. I learnt it the hard way, and it was brought to bear in the most beautiful manner possible.
Even to this day, I have absurd reminders of you; the heartbeat of nature, like flickering street lamps or whispers of leaves, takes me to you. The silence, void, and vacancy you left behind strive to sing your name and feel near. It, in ways, has become my closest friend.
Our lost reminiscences often drag me back to life, much to their surprise, why we are friends today. I could feel the disbelief on their faces as they inquired if I still cared for you, which made me smile. You simply don’t ‘love’ someone, you, for example, were not someone from my past —currently I stand recognising this shard of glass. You were my loved one who set me free. You changed me forever and imprinted my heart into an everlasting bond. For me, you don\'t say, going from one chapter to the next.
I do not compose poems for the world’s eyes anymore. I have turned my voice into your idol. And since, Oh Love, as you are beyond description and lovely, I made up my mind to remain quiet, not out of spite but to pay respect.
And should fate be kind, if your soul ever searches in the night and finds itself hollow — remember this: There was someone who loved you more than breath, more than self, more than time. A man who would have gladly drowned a thousand times in your gaze just to hear you whisper his name once more.
I am no longer who I was before you. I don’t seek healing. I don’t seek forgetting. I seek only to keep your memory alive in me — the ache, the beauty, the ruin of it all.
So, farewell, my love who was never mine to keep —
Farewell, and thank you for the ache I wear like a crown.
Eternally yours,
The One Who Drowned Smiling