Upteenth instance where yours truly
experienced assault upon hindquarters.
A worse hellish fate than perdition
and the closest in the throes
of agonizing death scene rendition
stabbing sphincter muscle spasms
wrench yours truly
analogous to contortionist,
who presents convincing torturous scenario
even absent primal screams
readers or eavesdroppers
envisioning his twisting and writhing
as if body frankly zapped
courtesy jolted electric tradition,
(cuz these intestinal blockages
happen time and again)
even after applying anal douche.
At least forty eight hour time span
lapsed whereby big boy wanted to cry
explaining how yours truly
felt he would die
an undertaking malaise
found me experiencing
physical duress vis a vis,
a bowel movement,
wherein waste unable to expel
from the anus of this guy,
which bout with rectal obstruction
found me doubled over
with lower abdominal distress,
whereby comfort found me unable to lie
down nor sit upright
(even with back padded with pillows
against the cellar brick wall),
thus severe bloating a bonus well nigh
and managed on a previous occasion
at the original date of this posting
to muster the means to compliment
barenaked ladies,
who freeze off their duff
and sweat gallons to boot
braving elements of style
to rectify getting poop unstuck
despite burning buns upon blazing saddles
or frigid arctic vortex aire respectively,
yours truly whether
playing roles of doctor and patient
undertaking home remedies
to expedite impossible mission to defecate
within the comfort
of climate controlled domicile,
I braced myself
against abdominal pain to purchase
the Acme brand Metamucil,
which akin to Drano doth ply
thru the excretory tract
supposedly loosening the stools,
which optimism (product
didst earn claim to fame) generated a sigh
if that expressed intent
to cease LivingSocial would try
humph enjoining this lxvi year old married male
to cede victory to the grim reaper, who would vie
as winner de jure
to this common fellow invoking libretto
ohm resistant understudy waste not want not
allowing, enabling and providing relief,
without successful defecation
despite the oppressive urge to bolster this Uriah
Heep of balled up and tuckered out
five foot and ten inches of lovely bones,
thence mouthing retraction
of former thought to cease existing
though a non-bull lever
in any power broker qua mankind
relief at long last
provided posterior answered prayer
yet, this wordsmith
scrutinizes his recurring
pain in the ass jagged torture
and asks a rhetorical
one word question \"WHY\"?
As of early July 9th, 2025
I finally move bowels barely but...
mine whole body felt
analogous to sluggish mollusk
stasis of lower bowel found yours truly
doubled over in gastrointestinal agony
as if elephant or red (livid with rage)
bull thrust his tusk into mine tush
ah...voila... hence subsequently
I tout over the counter rectal relief
while suffering nates issues
blessed magic of laxatives
Amitiza, Dulcolax, and Miralax
relieving lower abdominal and rectal
discomfort agonizing me dawn to dusk.
Upon swallowing first or second named laxative
or sprinkling Mix-in powder pack,
within 8+ ounces of water,
not aesthetically pleasing major drawback
foisting human waste heavy as a full coalsack
sometimes burned and scorched black
movement came swift, on par how fast
snaky Mister liquid Plumber doth attack
obstructed potty bowl.
Well now... monumental poetic challenge,
I now craftily abbreviate
(think clogged toilet
synonymous with blockage)
waste matter after days did accumulate
ready to apply corkerasp*
regarding rectal blockage to alleviate.
Imagine impossible airy mission to defecate
which debilitating scenario (mine) accursed fate
frequently recurring more often as yours truly ages
i.e. latter day saint Matthew Scott got older
rectal affliction compromised me
ordinary easy going demeanor to boot
disallowing, disenabling, and not permitting
me - effecting, emulating, and exhaling
Tony the tiger\'s catchword grrrrrreat
if queried about my constitution
when alas... absolute zero ecstasy found me
expelling bowel movement with effort
weighing approximately 0.71428571 stone
though relieved, nevertheless
the toilet bowl clogged,
prompting me to correct historical records
on two accounts despite
causing potential ruckus
disaster buffs may incriminate
nsync notion huge bowel movement
(mine) took down (analogous
voyage to bottom of sea) toto Lusitania
and actually additionally
caused separate incident
complex edifice (think Titanic)
both sturdy ships of state
former rendered, lifted, foundered...
latter purportedly crashing
into iceberg mate.
*Lemme explain the essence of a corkerasp
the brainchild of our then grade school
eldest (of two) born daughters,
now grown to womanhood
and healthy as an oxymoron.
Whenever constipation a pain in the ass
just maneuver this lightweight
metal contrivance made of brass
no matter if anybody
considers this action crass
apply corkscrew motion up the
alimentary canal to remove waste
which most likely will be
thick like petrified paste
stuck deep inside bowels of the
sphincter muscles and solidly encased
causing severe cramps within
lower gastrointestinal tract
inducing one to wince nonstop
from being with fecal matter packed
and no amount of primal groaning
didst loose this hard fact
nor does imagery of freed turd
ease the anal plight
no laughing matter despite how absurd
squeezing does nothing even
applying all inner might
thus necessary to incorporate
unnatural intervention to unclog
rectal blockage + uncomfortable bloating
swelling anus the size of a hog
disabling barely any ease to stand let alone jog,
yet tis essential per extricating
what feels like one swallowed a log
lest epitaph induce possible eulogy
possibly spoken the language of Prague
every ounce of effort
required to bend
over gingerly affixing
plunger end of device
to business rear end
best accompanied with close
companion or friend
since dirty deed done dirt
cheap trick will ideally rend
rock solid excrement to roll
and release crashing sound sent
upon the bathroom floor
possibly inducing seismic
waves less or more
whereby toilet bowl water will pour
over the sides akin to
white caps near sea shore
without doubt all the while
gluteus maximus extremely sore.