i shove my head beneath the skin of water
not gentle not soft
i force it like punishment
the cold slaps my skull like hands i don’t remember
the surface ripples once and forgets me
inside is silence but not peace
it’s screaming in reverse
a hum that drips down my spine
like melted bone
like hot wax in my veins
lungs ignite like paper
folding blurring black at the edges
chest pounding like fists on a locked door
each heartbeat a hammer
each second a unstoppable riot inside me
the world above becomes a rumor
just soundless shadows dancing
while i sink heavier than sorrow and grief
my hair floats like dead seaweed around me
my throat begs open
muscles twitch clench twist
my ribs claw inward trying to hold
trying to keep me from tearing
my mind says stay
my body tries to run
but i listen to the silence
because it doesn’t scream like i do
my blood is boiling but i am calm
a calm like numb fingers on hot glass
like watching yourself from a mile away
and not moving to help
i do not breathe.
i do not surface.
i do not save myself.
i let the burn spread like fire in a locked room
i let my mouth open just a little
feel the water kiss my tongue
feel the pain that blooms like flowers in my lungs
not to die but to vanish
to erase the noise behind my eyes
to be held by something colder than me
and maybe just maybe...
if i stay quiet long enough
the silence will remember my name