Rosey

Drown me quietly

i shove my head beneath the skin of water

not gentle not soft

i force it like punishment

the cold slaps my skull like hands i don’t remember

the surface ripples once and forgets me

 

inside is silence but not peace

it’s screaming in reverse

a hum that drips down my spine

like melted bone

 like hot wax in my veins

 

lungs ignite like paper

folding blurring black at the edges

chest pounding like fists on a locked door

each heartbeat a hammer

each second a unstoppable riot inside me

 

the world above becomes a rumor

just soundless shadows dancing

while i sink heavier than sorrow and grief

my hair floats like dead seaweed around me

 

my throat begs open

muscles twitch clench twist

my ribs claw inward trying to hold

trying to keep me from tearing

 

my mind says stay

my body tries to run

but i listen to the silence

because it doesn’t scream like i do

 

my blood is boiling but i am calm

a calm like numb fingers on hot glass

like watching yourself from a mile away

and not moving to help

 

i do not breathe.

i do not surface.

i do not save myself.

 

i let the burn spread like fire in a locked room

i let my mouth open just a little

feel the water kiss my tongue

feel the pain that blooms like flowers in my lungs

 

not to die but to vanish

to erase the noise behind my eyes

to be held by something colder than me

 

and maybe just maybe...

 if i stay quiet long enough

the silence will remember my name