The day before my wedding
You waylaid me on my way to work.
Already late, tension reflected in my driving,
I saw your car behind me “flashing” me to stop.
Everything in me fell apart.
My head said “Bloody hell, I haven`t got time for this!
Keep going. Ignore him. It`s too late.”
But my heart said “Stop!”
So I did.
And you opened the door and got in.
You looked at me,
The honesty in your eyes reflecting what was in your heart.
“Please don`t do this!”
“Please don`t get married tomorrow!”
“I`ll go home now. I`ll pack my things.
I`ll tell Hannah and move in with you today.
Please don`t do this.
It will break my heart.
I can`t live without you.
I realise that now!
Please, please don`t do this!”
My thoughts in turmoil.
What should I do?
How could he have left it so late?
Why didn`t he say this before, months ago,
Or even weeks ago it would have made a difference!
Now, it`s all arranged.
People are coming from all over the country.
Relatives, friends. It`s too late!
“No!” I replied.
Voice level.
Emotions controlled.
Stubborn logic reflected in the tone.
Still my mouth was dry, my chest tight with emotion.
“I am getting married tomorrow!”
Grey eyes heavy with regret reflected their sorrow.
“What can I say to stop you?
Tell me what to do and I`ll do it!
You are making a mistake!”
Was I ?
Which way should I go?
Which decision should I make?
What if I told him, ”Yes, I`ll not marry.
Get your things, do what needs to be done my love and we will be together.”
But I didn`t.
I thought of all the upheaval it would bring.
The pain and upset it would create.
In an instant of projected thought –
What if it didn`t work out!
He`ll have left his home.
His wife, his children.
Was it right to put them through this for something which might not last?
I couldn’t risk that!
I wish I could say it was a noble decision.
That I just “did the right thing!”
But if I`m honest it was simply fear!
Fear that it might go wrong
And what would be left then?
So we almost were together, if I had differed in my choice.
Did I choose badly?
I will never know.
They say, ”You always regret the things you don`t do
And not the things that you do.”
Do I regret it?
Yes, and No!
No because I would not have my son now
And that thought is not to be comprehended.
Yes, because it would have been wonderful.
Magnificent.
Encompassing.
And I would truly have been the most happy and contented of women
OR,
It would have been a complete disaster!
Too much passion and emotion for half- measures
Between you and I.
A life with you would have been so different,
But better? I don`t know.
I almost cancelled my wedding day,
But I did not.
And my life,
Our lives,
Went on to be,
What they have become.
Jan bach