Did I act too awkward today?
Did I say too much to my friends?
Did I ramble on and on and on?
Fuck— I told another secret
That I wasn’t suppose to tell.
If I sleep now how many hours
Will I get before the sun greets me?
Should I go see my father this week?
I wonder if my father misses me
When I don’t see him every weekend
As often as I used to visit?
I wonder what he does every evening
When I’m not around to create
Some noise in that rage house.
I wonder if he feels alone when he’s
The only one at that dinner table.
I wonder what he thinks about
When it’s just his knife scratching
The finished plates after dinner.
I wonder if he regrets having kids.
Oh God— am I ever going to have my own?
My mind isn’t right to raise any,
Let alone think of having them.
Where would I house them?
Who will help me raise them?
Am I going to end up alone in life?
Maybe I deserve it, I’ve been acting distant
To any man to show me interest.
Maybe I’ll meet someone in college,
It is hard to meet someone now so
That seems more likely.
Wait— What if I don’t get into college?
Can I even afford it? How will I pay?
No— I can figure this out, but..how?
I need to stop thinking now,
It’s getting out of control.
But I can’t stop. Not now.
Each question raises more and more
That I can’t answer, and I’ll never know
The answer to all these late night thoughts.