I’m not begging to die but
I remember how I almost did
And how my stomach wasn’t
Pumped and sometimes I think
I should try again just to see
How close I can get
Because the dissociation
Was the best thing I’ve ever
Felt and I have never played
Violin better than the day I
Almost died.
I’m not begging to hurt but
I remember every time I
Dragged a blade across my skin,
Be it my wrists, arms, thighs, neck,
Ankles, shoulders, hand,
Or abdomen and I remember seeing
The red and understanding the red
Was the bad and the bad was
Leaving my body so quickly and
So cutting my skin to pieces must
Be the only solution especially since
These scars are prettier than my
First love, prettier than the
Flowers you find in secret gardens
And infinitely prettier than the girl
I do not recognize in the mirror.
I’m not begging to starve but
Every time I see the number on
The bathroom scale I’ve either
Lost or gained five pounds and I
Miss that time I didn’t eat for two
Days because nothing tastes as good
As skinny feels but oh my god
Vanilla ice cream is so good and
Chocolate cake takes away the
Longing in my chest but I
Finally lost the twenty pounds I
Gained on a medication and now
I think I’m spiraling in hunger but
My body no longer tells me if I’m
Hungry or full until it’s too late
And I hate this because I just
Want to be whatever version
Of normal means skinny.
I’m not begging to teach but
Writing is the only thing that
Lets me breathe because I still
Haven’t told my therapist all the
Bad thoughts so they have to go
Here but just as other poets have
Said I am afraid my words will
Be turned and taken into practice;
I’m scared other teens will take
Their turns to cut or starve or die
When I’m just trying to survive.