i’m at the beach. the waves crash over the shore like they’re swallowing something alive, maybe me. i think of you, always you. when i drive, when yellow flashes across the street, when the wind hits my skin, when i close my eyes at night, when i’m happy, when i ache. when i’m trying not to think of you.
i dreamt of you again. this time, you asked me to explain how i used to feel about you, why i used to feel it. you said you wish you could love someone like i loved you. i said, “no, you don’t.” and i meant it. i don’t even know if it’s explainable. it’s a hunger, a fire, a sickness. it consumes, it poisons, it claws through the quiet parts of your mind until all you can think of is it. you want it to win, but you know it shouldn’t.
i’m at the beach again. your favourite place. the sky is clear, the water blue, the air perfect. i wish you were in my passenger seat, leaning against me. the thought makes my chest tight, makes my skin tingle. i wish i could see you in the sun, but god knows where you are. i’m here, alone. not that i blame you, but i can’t pretend.
you could’ve been nicer. you could\'ve told them to stop. maybe you cared, but you were always there, by their side. they hurt me everyday, and you- you treated me like i didn’t exist. like i was nothing.
sometimes i think of b.w. i know it’s not my loss to grieve, but because he was your friend, it burns inside me. does it still burn for you? do you remember him sometimes, like i do? words fail me, but writing keeps me from losing myself completely.
therapy would help, maybe, but only one person knows you, knows what you did to me, and i can’t go back to her. it would pull me straight to you, back to the hollow ache you left behind, the ache of wanting you, needing you, forever in ways i can’t admit out loud anymore. does it have to come to that?
i want to drive away, anywhere, and i’ll never run into you again. everything here rattles me, but maybe that’s my own fault.
i dream of australia. the gold coast. somewhere the sun never stops, the sand never ends, where the waves carry the shape of you, every grain, every curve. a beach where every fragment of you is everywhere i look without it ever being you. i wish this feeling didn’t follow me, i wish it would die. but it never does. it comes back every time, sneaks into my chest, burrows under my ribs.
i wonder if i’d survive without it, without you, without this sickness of missing you.
i’m still here, i’ll stay. and maybe the waves will keep me company. i\'ll stay. i\'ll watch the waves. i\'ll ache. i\'ll want you. and maybe, if the tide is strong enough, it will pull me under before i ever have to see you again.