Tristan Robert Lange
Devilishly Dreadful: God Save the Jack
Statement of Witness: Jane Alsop
Date of Birth: 11 October 2004
Address: 13 Cinderhouse Rd., Old Ford, London
Date/Time: 15 September 2025 at approximately 21:00 hrs.
Witness states, “Thanks officer, you ain’t gonna believe me story, but the most awful thing happened, right ‘ere in me own ‘ouse! Honest, if I didn’t know better, I’d’ve thought it was you what done it...”
A crackle
From
the
telly.
NEWS FLASH
Splashed
across
the
screen.
“There I was, me an’ me dad, sittin’ at the telly for a good go of the Linkest Weak...oh bother...The Weakest Link or whatever it’s called. There we was, just mindin’ our business when a loud knock came at me door. I told me dad I’d check, see, but officer, when I opened it, me door that is...”
[Reporter]:
This just in—
The Most Honourable Marquess
Harry Thornwick
of
Blackmoor,
is about to
speak
any
moment now.
Stay tuned to your telly...
“‘Honest, ‘E looked just like one of you coppers. A real one if I’ve ever seen one, as real as you are before me, officer. ‘E stood there an’ asked me for a light. I thought it odd, myself, but, being a copper, I let ‘im in.”
[Marquess]:
My fellow countrymen,
As your Marquess,
I come before you,
In our great nation,
to speak of
The moral
DECAY
We see pervading
Throughout
the
United Kingdom,
a scourge
that
consumes
our
very
soul.
“Officer, ‘e just threw off ‘is disguise and I could see ‘e was no guv; rather, ‘e was a noble looking fella, dressed to the nines, lookin’ all fancy like...but ‘is face was covered and ’is eyes, those awful, red eyes....”
[Marquess]:
Our streets are being
OVERTAKEN
By the lazy,
the
des-
ti-
tute,
The homeless—
Ones who have
Taken our
charity
for granted—
draining our
Resources
For far too long;
all the while,
Our women are
being terrorized
On walks,
Even in their own homes
By some foreigner,
Some godless lunatic...
“And ‘e had these long fingernails—no, not nails, but claws—these long metallic claws. ‘E tore at me shirt an’ me body. Naturally, I screamed, officer, as loud as I could, and me dad came runnin’...”
[Marquess]:
To the sensible,
To the
righteous
to the
Christians who
remain in
His Majesty’s
great and
United Kingdom,
we must rise up,
engage in public life,
and fight the
ENEMY’s depravity,
Bringing justice
and peace to our land.
“No, I’m tellin’ you the truth, Officer, a blue flame shot at me dad, nearly burnt ‘im, an’ then ‘e leapt up to the roof and was gone. ‘Ere’s the only thing I know for certain, ’E ’ad a voice much like that Marquess on the telly, but slightly rougher. Almost as if ‘e were ‘alf noble, ‘alf East End, you know? I swear, I’ll never be able to sleep now, Lord ‘elp me, Officer. Lord ‘elp me.”
End of Statement
This statement was read over to the witness, who attested to the truth of it to the best of her knowledge and belief.
Signed: Jane Alsop
Signature witnessed by: Police Constable Sarah Clarke, 8889CE
Date: 15 September 2025
© 2025 Tristan Robert Lange. All rights reserved.
Tittu