I want to be loved.
I know we all do.
But I think, I want it more than others do.
I had your love,
but lost it.
I don\'t know if it was my fault.
I think it was.
But I don\'t know if I was ever what you truly wanted.
I just wanted to be loved.
So maybe you weren\'t what I had pictured,
but I didn\'t care,
I learned to love you,
I think love can be learnt.
There\'s qualities I wished you had,
but my love overpowered those feelings of doubt.
I think I lacked qualities you wished for,
and as your love for me withered,
your doubt could no longer be pushed aside.
I couldn\'t even be what you wanted,
even if I tried.
I would loose myself.
Our departure is for the best,
and I know it deep down.
But now I\'m unloved.
I know I could be loved by another,
but I have no interest in that.
Love is not a fixed concept,
I can\'t bear to experience a different love,
a love that isn\'t yours.
I accept your departure,
but I miss your love.
your belief in me,
who will believe in me now?
I don\'t feel as lonely as expected,
it\'s only been a little over a month.
I don\'t know if it\'ll hurt more later.
I\'ve accepted you will not return,
but I think of you.
I don\'t cry,
or dwell.
but I think of you often.
I worry you think badly of me,
your quick detachment,
caused worry within me,
questioning the realness of our love.
If it was real, how did you accept the loss of me so quickly?
But,
it has helped me.
as it removed all expectations that you would change your mind.
Hope has been removed,
and that was all I had.
I think, I think too much,
I think of a crisis that could occur,
would that make you return?
I don\'t wish for crises,
but I idealise.
But I worry that now,
you would no longer think of me.
The idea that the world could be ending,
and you wouldn\'t think of me,
makes me sick.
The idea that even when you were here,
you might not have thought of me.
When I was at yours,
I worried your departure from me was delayed due to my presence.
and when I moved into my new place,
you helped me move,
the same as you always did.
You stayed the night,
helped me move my bed,
I was unsure of where I wanted it and suggested we could do it another time,
you insisted that we moved it that night,
and not long after,
you told me you no longer wanted to be together.
You waited,
strategically waited.
I guess it was kind of you,
in theory.
But in reality,
it\'s cruelty dressed in sheep\'s clothing.
the idea that you faked,
your love for me,
to save me stress.
You delayed our ending,
to prevent me inconvenience,
to save yourself from guilt?
Perhaps a mixture.
In this time,
when I held your hand, did you flinch?
when I kissed your cheek, did you wish I hadn\'t?
when I made a joke, did you laugh in pity?
when I cried, did you remind yourself that soon you would be gone?
when you reassured me of your love, did you tell yourself you were doing the right thing?
Your desire to save my feelings,
and save yourself discomfort
is cowardly.
a selfish act.
You allowed us momentary peace,
you allowed us to live in a façade,
a half hearted one at best.
I was clueless to your deception.
Whatever you told yourself,
whatever you tell yourself,
to reassure yourself you did the right thing.
I am here to tell you didn\'t.
Your departure is not cruel,
your true feelings are not cruel.
but your sloppy attempt to save my feelings,
is cruelty that could have been avoided.
I don\'t need someone to lie,
to force their love.
You do not need to tell me words you do not mean,
you do not need to promise me things you know you can\'t keep,
that is cruel.
In our remaining months,
I offered you small acts of love,
before you left.
Your reactions were inhibited,
you showed thanks without any real emotion.
I don\'t know how I didn\'t notice your detachment.
I think for a long while,
you treated me as a chore,
an unwanted obligation,
having a girlfriend only delayed your life.
I offered nothing to your fulfilled fast pace life.
I want to remind you,
that you chose me,
again and again.
You did not need to love me,
but you stayed,
and chose to act as if I prevented you from leaving.
You wanted to protect yourself first,
to allow yourself confidence in your decision,
to organise your commitments,
before deciding,
it was worth letting me go.
You left,
in the most you way possible.
calculated, strategic and hoping to avoid all conflict.
I think because I wanted love,
I accepted a love,
that didn\'t fulfil me.
I accepted a love that didn\'t want me,
that gave me breadcrumbs.
I kept these breadcrumbs,
telling myself,
that if I have enough,
it can produce something worth keeping.
I accepted a love,
that I thought I deserved,
and you told me I deserved this love.
When I brought up ways I could be loved,
you reminded me of your breadcrumbs,
made promises you never kept.
why?
Your departure from me was slow, painful and
confusing.
I don\'t know if I would have preferred a halted, rash removal of me,
but I don\'t wish for what you did to me.