I sat a lot and thought, of nothing really. Just desperate to feel out of myself. I never did much homework at school, I guess for the bulk of it I took school for granted, education seemed pointless to me, what could I learn now that couldn’t be learnt later in life, with experience? That’s what I thought, and despite my growth, I still feel much that way. After leaving school I felt lost, I will admit. I did nothing with myself of value, other than sitting around my house, watching out of the windows for anything, a sign. Just something to tell me what I wanted. Who I wanted to be. It didn’t happen. I didn’t get my miracle. It was strange, honestly, training myself to sit. I jotted down the titles of the books I never read at school, the ones the teachers try to educate you on, but you think you’re so much better than any lesson they try to give you, so you ignore them… Those books are incredible. They’re far more interesting than seeing some stupid tagged picture on Instagram, or the pathetic little notes you make and read in maths class.
As I grew older, I started reading some novel,
The title once seen on only a shelf
Then by the window I walked forth,
And peered out to the Heavens
I wanted something to bring me away from myself
This sounds silly, doesn’t it? But… I never once saw the stars before this became my life. When walked I would peer towards the floor, or stare straight ahead, but that’s pretty much it. I thought about absolutely nothing, yet so much at the same time. It’s funny, really. Because I would think about God a lot. How lonely he must feel sitting up there all alone, he has this power to change so much, yet never uses it. I wanted so much for someone to just appear, and tell me what it was I wanted. And I prayed, I prayed to those ridiculous stars, as though they were going to change my mind. I expected them to answer me, simply because I prayed. But then again… no-one prays to the stars, do they? No. No, only Noble, Noble women, who posses the keys to the Kingdom of God lay their lives and prays at the feet of a star. Only simple girls, without a single cause. I wasn’t one of them.
I held an outstretched hand,
Towards the stars
No-one reached me back,
Not a hand to hold
Look forth a line to live, a place unknown
‘Cause I was so relentless,
And I was so downhearted
Of me I was in control,
And never once exposed my scars
And if…
That’s how you may choose
To organise your existence
You may choose a path, towards a breakdown,
You may get hung out by your lifeline,
Or swept away by the wind
It’s what you tried to teach me as we ventured sec school,
Call me a bitterly hard done by fool
There’s peace that’s yet to come from…
Simply living your life