another night,
playing and laughing,
I\'m free with you guys,
you are not my friends,
but it feels like it,
is it sad to be with you guys so often?
what is the point of siblings?
I laugh and argue with them,
fearful of nothing,
as anything can be amended,
we speak over one another,
in excitement or rage,
I\'m happy here,
but should I be here?
is there a friendship group that I was meant to be part of it?
should be a part of?
what\'s wrong with,
not having a big friendship group,
am I unlovable,
I can\'t even decide what I\'d want,
because I believe I\'m acting wrong,
I only think of what I should be doing,
I don\'t know what I actually want.
I have never had many,
friends.
the ones I have,
I love,
I try to keep up,
I struggle to keep,
I make new ones,
I connect,
I laugh,
I withdraw,
I can\'t keep them.
Maybe they weren\'t meant for me?
Or maybe I won\'t let them be?
I think of all the groups,
where I could have been an addition,
was I not chosen?
did I not let myself be chosen?
I find groups hard,
I\'m within myself,
I\'m not there, present,
I can\'t do it,
I wish to be anywhere but there.
one on one,
I laugh and can handle it
but groups I panic.
I don\'t know if I\'m made to have friends.
and I know I hold myself back,
because I\'m chosen,
and asked,
but I interpret anything as,
rejection,
any reason,
to leave.
I think I always planned on leaving.
you were my friend,
for so long,
I didn\'t use you as a replacement for friends,
I guess I did,
but was there anyone to replace,
is my point?
Friday night parties,
a weekend away,
a special Wednesday,
a birthday on Tuesday,
a class on Monday,
you had other commitments,
priorities,
joys,
that I didn\'t have.
I\'d wait for your one free night,
assuming you waited for it,
as I did,
was excited for it,
in the same way,
as I was.
to me,
you were the event of the week,
I\'m someone who withdraws,
isolates,
so it was natural for me to attach myself to you,
but you are someone who thrives,
being out every night,
I probably would enjoy,
going out,
but I\'m afraid,
I find it hard,
I know safety,
I want to protect myself,
so I don\'t know how to enjoy,
let go,
or if I do,
I regret it the next day,
I wonder if people asked me out of pity,
or am I a coffee date friend,
am I here to make numbers,
I\'ll never know,
and I wouldn\'t believe you if you told me.
so ill stay alone,
without you.