I saw the wall
The one that separated the cars
moving in opposite directions at speed
But without real purposeful direction
I was spiraling in my thoughts
And worrying and ruminating and encircling my brain
With the same darkness that I have been holding
Carrying the same worry I have since the beginning
The same fears
The confusion of connections with others
And what it means
The jealousy I have not released
The quotes and actions and things said so long ago that
Burn in my mind
Imprinted in my body
Morphing my thoughts again, and again, and again
And then
The wall called to me
It was passing by fast
A blur of concrete and trashy debris on the road
Sinister and dark, it called my name, like the ocean used to
“I have the solution!
Drive into me
It’ll be over quickly!
Yank the wheel gradually
Pull it to the left and angle to the wall
Don’t pull too hard or you’ll flip and might survive
Check your mirror for blockers of your path
Push the petal just a little more, gradually, but with purpose
Increase the speed to seal your fate
and then yell ‘yippie kaiyea! as you near your fate”
I continued my spiral down, down, down to the end
Twisting and contorting while my heart rate increased
Sweat beaded on my forehead
Pupils dilated and focused on a spot up there, ahead, waiting for me
X marks the spot!
The speed of my truck responded to my heavy foot
And heart
Mind thoughts raced with it now
I got this
I won’t have to worry any longer
Then, my sons name popped in my head and
I pulled out of it with a startled look of confusion
Showing in my rear view mirror
As the flood streaming down my face spoke more than words could
It gained momentum and left my eyeballs
I cried silently as water chased gravity to my chin
I didn’t check the mirrors
I let off the gas, gradually
And just like that, Stick Figure came back into ear focus
Words left my mouth and I sang to them
My inflections and pitch matching the song words
“Once in a lifetime” was the song
I recalled the lyrics, “Keep Going” in the song Laterus by Tool taught me
And so I will keep going
I’ll be the sherpa for my mind and heart
And carry them up to the peak
Barefoot if I have to
I had salty stains on my shirt when I got home