The greenway is populated with humans
Bundled up from the cold, moist air
The blue above my head washed away the grey for a spell
It left fluffy white pillows floating freely as if blotched on paper
I smile at people as the pass by
The ones that look up like I do
I show them my teeth
As my eyes speak love to them
I send white light to some of the walkers
They deserve it, I have a sense for that
When I do it, liquid touches my cheeks
My stomach and chest constrict and I feel a little drained
As if I’m lending my love and happiness to them
It’s exhausting
But I do it anyway
A sort of lonesome sacrifice
They can’t see my innerness
The one that is yearning
The one that wants to open the curtains
To let the world see the real me
The one that is a hurt little kid
Now aware of that hurt
Lost in it
The one that loves so quickly
And deeply
It scares people
That confuses me
Love is a gift
Nothing to fear
The one that has talents beyond me
Trying to break free
The one that looses it when the trauma speaks
The controller
The protector
The Angry One
Stuck inside, lurking and waiting to save me
Or so it thinks
A springboard waits for the latch to unhinge
Click Click
Anger springs to action
BOOOING!
Away with you hurt, sad, emotional, trauma bound fools
The Angry One thinks is saves me from all that
It is wrong though; has been for 53 years
I have to get control of anger
Pet and sooth him
So the other emotions can shine through
Let their voices be heard
I have to do this
For me
The one that cares more for others
Puts them first.
All my life
Joolie told me it’s time to start putting me first
But
14 year old Kenny is in my mind swimming in quicksand
Still reaching for love affection and touch
Abandoned in the then time
Feeling it all in the now time
An anchor attached to my spine
54 year old Kenny is arm wrestling
With a discarded 14 year old
The emotions are all here now
Sometimes, I want to feel
Others times, I want to run, they come in a wall wave of
Emotions
And I’m afraid of the slope I am slipping down
But I love it too
I’m finally living closer to me
But my mind resurfaces and scared me wins sometimes
For a little, like today
I have to find out why
So the one that can be is
I am now sitting with a tree leaning on my back
The trees, I’ve spoken to one of them, one time
It told me stories of those past, no longer near
It was a ancient sadness grown over so much time
I’m hoping for some lended solace from the tree I sit with
To be sad with me and share our regrets, in the Now Time
I am trying to nourish my thoughts, feel them all
I needed a break from people seeing my eyes
Dampness touches my ass and back as I ponder
Cold steals warmth from me
But I don’t care
I take a selfie picture and I see baggy, sad eyes
Pools of water in them, reaching for the earth
I put my hood over my ski capped head
It shields me from sharing my thoughts
With the passerby’s eyes
I will myself up and feel my wet ass as air passes my body
I turn languidly to the trail
Marching back into all of it
An audible sigh gives birth to a mini steam cloud
Hood still shielding me from prying eyes