It feels wrong when I don\'t feel happy.
Like I don\'t deserve to feel down.
I have been thinking a lot about that lately.
I\'ve got everything I need;
Friends who make sure I live a good life,
I\'ve got food and a roof above my head.
So why in the world do I feel this way?
I\'m convinced I\'m the problem.
Because everyone I can imagine,
would live a perfect life in my shoes.
I don\'t feel like I belong here.
That doesn\'t say much though,
because I feel like I don\'t belong anywhere.
So I\'ve thought about just disappearing.
For always. Not for a while, for forever.
I often feel like it would be for the better.
You know, because why would anybody in their right mind
want me in their life?
Who would actuallu sit at my grave if I did it?
However, there are a few reasons I don\'t.
First of all, I could never just leave my friends behind.
I could never forgive myself.
Second of all, it would be so selfish if I did just do it,
without a valid reason.
I reckon I\'d cause even more tears when I would be dead,
than I do know. That\'s actually impressive.
I would be more of a burden than I am now.
Somehow, that\'s possible.
Imagine the amount of letters I\'d have to write.
Beacause I care for so many people,
I physically can\'t just leave them behind.
Then a weird reason.
I can\'t. Because of Billie.
Billie Eilish. The woman she is.
She has made such a big impact on my life.
Weird that she doesn\'t even know my name,
while she is one of the reasons I\'m still here.
And lastly, I can\'t imagine how my parents would react.
I\'ve played so many different scenarios in my head.
About them hearing the news.
I already feel like the worst daughter in the world.
I can\'t make it even worse. I can\'t do it.
Trust me, every day I wonder how other people\'s
lives would be better without me in it,
and it makes me want to drown myself in a pit of lava even more.