Our village not far, quite close in fact
a place of nosey people, no tact
had a happening not long ago
only a few months or so
It concerned the Vicar, the Reverend Steed
the man who caused this awful deed
liked the bottle some folks said
but me, not one to speak ill of the dead
But this Sunday in early September
a day many and I will always remember
when the Reverend Steed disgraced his cloth
and the congregation vented their wrath
At ten o’clock, the church was full
expecting a sermon that would be rather dull
suddenly the Vicar appeared somewhat disheveled
looking as though all night he’d reveled
Bleary eyed and hair unkempt
but a real trooper, he did attempt
to climb the pulpit stairs at least
but people’s interest had increased
At the sight of their poor Vicar’s state
and wondered why he was so late
he staggered one way then the other
and insisted on calling the Verger brother
Once on top he leaned affront
dropped the Bible in the font
a few loud gasps had been uttered
Oh dam and blast, we all heard muttered
With book retrieved he looked around
the congregation made no sound
totally shocked in disbelief
as Mrs Brown waved her handkerchief
So as to inquire as to the Vicar’s health
he just glared and straightened himself
unfortunately forgetting to put on his belt
his trousers now began to slip down as he felt
For the hymn book near at hand
for our first, we will sing the Promised Land
as he lurched from side to side
his inebriated state he could not hide
Blasting out for all his worth
the words he knew, right from birth
a Vicar all his life you see
it was all he ever wanted to be
But the demon drink had taken its toll
as his words began to roll
into incoherent noises and sounds for all to hear
many shock their heads and said Oh dear
Mrs Maguir off to the side
had a grandstand view as his trousers slide
to the floor in all their glory
the sight now becoming gory
Seeing the Vicar in his underwear
she began to profusely swear
a bloody disgrace was all we heard
as he fell from the pulpit like a bird
With a crash he hit the floor
as the verger ran through the door
seeing the Vicar in his repose
knelt down and was promptly punched upon the nose
Crimson red his cassock white
the congregation stood in shock and fright
as the Vicar and the Verger punched and squealed
so neither man would dare to yield
P C O’Reily hearing the commotion
stuck his head in as was his notion
seeing the rucas taking place
he ran down the isle at great pace
Little Tommy Smith thought he’d had enough
of all this swearing and this rough stuff
put out his leg to step down from his seat
tripped O’Reilly of his feet
Jumping up he said with zest
in the name of the law, you two I arrest
so off to the police cell they did go
to cool off for an hour or so
The congregation by this time
had seen enough of this ghastly crime
filtered out into the Sun
having witnessed all this fun
The Vicar and the verger now both in the dock
the Magistrate hearing details how they ran amok
both got ninety days for this affray
and both come out this very day
The moral of this little tale
that makes us all a little pale
the demon drink can get us all
so into the trap please do not fall