I want to write a poem...
Life is sadder without poems.
Words get stuck on my throat and on my mind,
but poems allow me to say them out loud.
Today it was somebody\'s birthday.
Somebody I knew, of course.
I only realised it a while after I saw them
and I wasn\'t talking to them at all
I couldn\'t say \"Happy Birthday!\".
It just felt so awkward and I couldn\'t,
I wanted to,
but I couldn\'t.
I\'m not confident enough
and I just got sad,
because I was standing close to them
and I didn\'t even congratulate them yet.
Later we sang the birthday song,
but I still regret not saying smt,
maybe smt like \"Oh, it\'s ur birthday?
I\'m sorry, I was stuck in my own world.
I didn\'t realise it right away, I\'m sorry.
Also we don\'t talk much,
so I just didn\'t know.
Anyways, Happy Birthday!\"
but why was saying this so damn hard?
When I write messages I always think twice before sending
Why?
Even with my best friends,
I think ab sharing an information for 2 minutes and then start writing.
Why the heck do I do that?
They ain\'t judging.
Oh right!
It\'s because sometimes they just don\'t care,
don\'t care ab what I\'m saying
and that gets me sad,
seeing them just completely ignoring my messages.
Sometimes I do that too,
but not because idc,
it\'s because I don\'t know what to say,
I have nothing to say,
it\'s a topic I don\'t have much knowledge in
and they know it,
so they don\'t mind.
I wouldn\'t mind if the same happened for me,
but no,
ik they aren\'t just avoiding talking ab smt they don\'t know nothing ab,
they simply don\'t care.
Sad part is that ik that because they tell me,
always have to say smt like \"Nobody cares.\"
or \"I\'m not even listening to u rn, I\'m thinking ab smt else\".
Is this not a toxic relationship?
I was taught that this is a toxic relationship,
but I avoid thinking ab it,
since that would mean I got caught on a toxic relationship
and all I keep saying is \"She has a really strong personality.\".
I feel like that means I\'m just searching for the red flags,
the ones I\'ve always been avoiding.
I don\'t date,
I feel like I\'m too immature for that
and boys my age r even more immature.
I couldn\'t keep a long relationship at this age.
I have 2 long friendships,
they have lasted for 8 years already,
and I have other that have lasted until now,
but it\'s just 5 years,
but I feel like it still doesn\'t give me any bases,
these friendships can\'t prove that I\'m going to have a lasting romantic relationship,
because a lot of other relationships broke during that period.
I haven\'t ever fallen in love,
but ik my type,
I just kind of wish that guy existed near me.
I keep telling myself that he will appear when I\'m older,
but I also keep thinking that it would be better if I knew him,
if I knew he is there, we just don\'t know we love each other yet,
but that ain\'t happening,
all guys around me r stupid and infantile,
they still bully other people and only see them as a word:
\"smart\"; \"dumb\"; \"emo\"; \"fat\"; \"annoying\".
The guys who aren\'t like this r just my friends
and I\'m still too introverted to talk to them more,
so our relationship is always gonna be like this,
there is no future imaginable,
but I don\'t mind that,
I still feel too young after all.
I\'m not too young to feel tho,
maybe to love that way,
but not to feel depressed,
to feel like I have no future either.
I still don\'t know what I want to do,
I have to pick a course this year before June.
It\'s already mid-March and I\'m more lost than ever.
Ik all the things I want to do and the one\'s I don\'t want to do,
but I don\'t know that one thing that I\'m passionate ab.
It still feels like there is no such thing,
but the minutes keep passing too quickly
and I\'m almost out of time,
I have to choose, but it doesn\'t make sense to me.
I\'m not even 15 yet and I\'m supposed to define my path now,
it feels dumb.
I still cry myself to sleep after a hard day.
I still want to scream if u don\'t listen to what I have to say.
I still keep everything inside.
I\'m not confident and everything gives me an anxiety attack,
but I\'m supposed to know what to do,
to know how to act and react,
to know what I want to do,
but there might not be a tomorrow
and today I had to worry ab these things,
I wanna be me,
I wanna have a thousand jobs,
but to not have to worry ab anything.
I want to always be happy
and have enough time to do everything that I come up with.
I want to travel,
but I also want to stay at one place.
I want to learn a language,
but not with boring lessons or Duolingo\'s bad basics.
I want to do everything and do nothing.
I want to BE everything and BE nothing.
I feel like I need all of these things,
all of these experiences,
but if there is smt u learn in this life
is that what u want isn\'t always what u need
and u don\'t always get what u want.