First off I acknowledge a portion of the following got hashtagged out decades ago (analogous college/university institutional slop), and just moments ago recovered the following from the dustbin of history and rather than update the contents, I thought to preserve the document in as much of the original unadulterated words (with just minor grammatical and punctuation tweaks) as possible to help thee dear reader glean how much like this moment my quadragenarian mental health quite similar to the present state.
A smörgåsbord defined as a traditional Swedish buffet-style meal featuring a wide array of hot and cold dishes, traditionally served on a table in stages or all at once. It literally translates to \"butter-goose table\" or \"sandwich-table\" (smörgås + bord), originating from a 16th-century tradition of offering bread, butter, cheese, and fish before a bonafide meal.
Let me preface synopsis of self with a poetic epistle (hopefully such poetic license acceptable viz this non-friction category) before delving into the heart of darkness asper this bipedal hominid, the apotheosis sans earth, wind and fire.
Notice Hubble depleting air supply and whip lashing apathy annihilating will to live, thus forever suspending me as still thirteen and thirsting to taste and touch a youth untouched by fiery passion – so:
despite forty six birthdays elapsed
since uber cataclysmic eruption rent asunder
psyche, an internal maelstrom
wrenched and didst lyft worthiness-pitting mien as blunder
bulldozing with razor blades former childhood\'s end
wondrous glee raising suicide
quiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow
(self starvation) mine inexorable ride
which chronological frieze kept hog-tied
and hide bound this one grown male
dredging haunting spectre – where
to be gratefully dead – within Elysian dale
youngest o me two female progeny
segued untrammeled ten plus nineteen years
on February fourth two thousand eighteen
triggered flashback to wretched tears
sans insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/
thwarting desire to lyft motive to be alive
shockwaves extant to this day -
no matter long since recovered from nose-dive
dog gone emotional,
psychological & social repercussions
hound me present mental state
indelible permanent scars (per anxiety, panicky,
quirky tics) seem never to abate
try as I might to shake free
from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow,
he experiences an especially perilous remembrance
of that abysmal infernal woe
when thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring
passed that milestone age
with nary a hint how her papa felt
life locked up within his abysmal agonizing stage
impossible to forgive permanent harm
inflicted not only on self but searing pain
my late mother and octogenarian father
whose angst this dada insight re: did gain
from bringing forth progeny,
which years eclipsed at breakneck speed
whereby each special daughter
evincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy weed
bound to surpass their dear ole mister mom
permanently branded with ghost
of Christmases past for never knowing
thee potential that burned black toast
and hunger pains even to this day frequently
blithely ignored as if still callous
tempted, lured and baited by hand of death
this grown man wished inxs to kiss.
Social anxiety (incorporating alphabet soup of physiological symptoms i.e. clammy palms, heart palpitation, nausea, vertigo, et cetera) erupted to rent psyche asunder and forcefully endeared themselves to my being (like Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dinner and Blitzen) with most every visit to college cafeterias, (an unpleasant effect explaining termination from umpteen universities I matriculated), especially when hungry hordes (like madding crowds swelled. A sea of Muslims (Noah intent to insult, but this people seemed apropos for this epistle) practically stampeding their way en route to the Hajj) clamored to be fed sustenance or spiritual succor respectively.
Never did this liberal minded scrivener get trampled underfoot, but he experienced physical manifestations entailing great discomfort probably on par with devout pilgrimage to the holy shrine of Mecca.
Within labyrinth of this mortal being i.e. christened Matthew Scott Harris, hid unseen live, googly-eyed, earth-linked, mailer daemons that resounded with quiet riot chorus of unheard yahoo kindling trip wire of damned perspiration, laceration, and infliction stinging tips of metallic whips and chains and alluded to Fiona Apple\'s song and/or album titled The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do small fry induced hallucination prodding sphincter muscle to go into overdrive vis a vis via defecation, (irritable bowel ran rampant) creating one wreck of a human abomination kept in check from unsuspecting observer mine mare horseplay nearly for Equus caballus.
This general figurative broad-brush stroke pertaining to collective soul wrenching episodes does an injustice to panic attacks.
Best for me to winnow thru quagmire of countless instances to evoke emotional explosion in an effort to engender comprehension, fixation, interrogation (pardon the hyperbolic exaggeration fueling this assay wantonly craving super) layman preservation, than zeroing in on Singular Mohorovicic discontinuity.
Little effort required for me to dial back mental chronology and pluck one generic panic attack festooned with usual attendant coterie of kindling internal microscopic killing machinations swaggering like hotmail fresh off the field of a winning team.
Meal times at college (particularly with madding crowd of voraciously famished coed undergraduates), the most frequent settings outbursts generated feverishly essentially annihilating ambition to enjoy a normal peaceful repast (to satiate hunger), the most common environment envision a generic college cafeteria.
About twenty plus three years ago (two + decades spanning mine total of approximately forty four birthdays plodding through pernicious plots per world wide web) represents most recent non-voluntary foray into field of dreaded descent.
The mother offal domains blew out internal combustion, whereby attrition into no mans land of wretched undulating spasms quaking ole Matthew knocked immunization generally enjoyed clinging assiduously to hibernation, meditation, self actualization as self sedation.
Eyelids now temporarily closed to re-envision the nada so salient salad days whence feeding time instantaneously transformed into frantic frenzy at Kutztown University (one of some half dues hen colleges attended). While other student feasted on ordinary industrial chow, I felt grippe ketchup and override excruciating hunger. Adrenaline coursed thru this measly dry mouthed body (starving to savor the institutional haute cuisine.
No sooner did this then rather bony gluteus maximus became situated at table (often whereby a quick exit could be made in predictable panic stricken outcome that pierced and hammered me with gut wrenching agony), the medley of organic constriction of throat re: named near asphyxiation, furious pounding of ma poor heart churning out hormonal secretion adrenaline flight or fight, strong sensation regurgitation (despite likelihood my bowels recently purged per diarrhea courtesy of irritable gastrointestinal stress), disallowed even one morsel to appease palette.
Much as waste not want not the coda, ethos, general integrity keeping afloat my dogma, that credo went out the window (with or without the baby and bathwater – plugged pulled so no infant drowned, nor any other animal harmed in the making of this mindfulness video), the tray of uneaten food left for an employee to discard.
Complete discombobulating disorientation in tandem with tried true trademark tell tale signs of tumultuous ferocious fracas re: Tony the tiger witnessed personal pandemonium, which violent trigger, nonetheless did offer scant few minutes to gather peanut butter and jelly sandwiches haphazardly slap dashed together, whereby to escape this jam and preserve some semblance of sanity.
Cumulative episodes repeatedly occurred. whence tumultuous shell shocked warring faction repeatedly played itself and affecting escape from this perilous perdition.
The shoals of home (which appeared sweeter than ever) specifically sighted when sitting with pangs of stomach churning aches to eat instead delivered a sentence whereby this anguished author felt himself severely lashed and slavishly held within fragile self witnessed withdrawal from campus life (for umpteenth time), and hence avoidance became coping mechanism.
Fast forward to present. Now a cornucopia of pharmaceutical medications (ten at the time of writing and minimally revising these words) keep in check (akin to a mate) and put a lid on susceptibility toward chaotic sensation run amok.
This collective soul (whose esprit de corps rose from thine Heiress house of the rising sun) in fits and starts finally seems closer to psychological nirvana.
Now, no longer does a led zeppelin manacle this Renaissance man from the culture club. He scales the Ashbury heights of ecstasy via pharmacological panacea. He feels indomitable emotional strength to haul in oats of a misspent youth.