I\'ve always wondered the life my mother would\'ve had
Wondered how much I burdened my mother in such way
I can imagine the tremble in her hand
The pacing back and forth for five minutes waiting for an answer
The life she would\'ve had is she looked down and saw one line
I wonder in a another world, she only saw one
Tears of happiness and relief
Her drunk with her friends past midnight
Her finding the love of her life in her hard years of college
I wonder in that other world if she would be happier
But no, she looked down and saw two
Two lines that changed her world
Two lines that made her miserable as she walked onward
I wonder if she\'s ever looked at me, for I know I look like the man she never wants to see
The man that used her for his own entertainment
The man who manipulated her even at time of war
I look like this man, it\'s obvious I am of his blood
This man is in my veins and in my face
I look more like this man than I do my mother
For sixteen years I’ve measured myself as her mistakes
in the way she comes home tired but still has work because of me
In the way she looks at the moon as its the only thing that brings her peace
The first four years were the loudest
College hallways that weren’t meant for strollers
strangers holding me while she learned how fall asleep
For four years I was raised by four people
For four years, I learned her in pieces
Year one, prayed for one line
Year two, worked until her hands forgot rest
Year three, learned how to hope quietly
Year four, fell in love
and I still don’t know if it was because of me or in spite of me
For sixteen years I have learned how not to need too much
How to fold myself smaller in doorways, she never planned to walk through
How to bite my tongue and provide my own needs
For sixteen years, I raised myself to be hyper independent
Sometimes I catch my face in the mirror
I see someone else before I see mine
I know what she sees, who she sees
Same eyes, same nose, same smile
She tells me she loves me with all her heart
Same words, same line, same smile
I wonder in another world, her two possibilities
All ruined from two lines on a test