There are people
who are afraid of the dark.
Others
are afraid of storms.
Some are afraid
of being alone.
I am not.
I am afraid
of the sound of a phone ringing at night.
Of messages that start with:
\"We need to talk...\"
Of hospitals.
Of goodbyes.
Because once,
life taught me
that a single second
can break a heart forever.
When I was little
I used to think my dad
would be in every one of my birthdays.
That he would see me grow up.
That one day
he would walk me down the aisle.
That he would meet my children.
That there would always be a place for him
at the Christmas table.
But one day…
All of that stopped existing.
And no one teaches you
how to keep living
when the person
you needed the most
is no longer here.
They say time
heals everything.
But no one talks about
the days
when your chest feels so heavy
that even breathing hurts.
No one talks about
what it feels like
to want to tell your dad something
and then remember,
a second later,
that you can’t.
No one talks about
how hard it is
to keep growing
when the person you loved most
isn’t there to see it.
Since that day
my heart changed.
It no longer feels safe.
It always waits
for something bad to happen.
It always imagines
the worst ending.
Because once
the worst ending
became real.
And since then
I stopped believing
that people
stay forever.
I am seventeen years old.
And my sister is nineteen.
She probably thinks
I am just her little sister.
But she doesn’t know
that every time she leaves the house,
a part of me stays behind waiting.
Waiting to hear her keys.
Waiting to hear her voice.
Waiting to see her come back
as if nothing had ever gone wrong.
Because until she returns…
I cannot breathe properly.
If she takes too long to reply…
My mind starts imagining.
If the phone rings…
My heart speeds up.
If someone says:
\"Something has happened...\"
I feel like the world
is breaking again.
Because I already know
how a tragedy begins.
And that is something
no child should ever learn.
Sometimes I watch her
without her noticing.
I just watch her laugh.
Talk.
Exist.
And I think:
\"I hope you never become a memory.\"
Because memories
don’t hug you back.
Photographs
don’t answer.
And voices,
with time,
start to fade.
That is another one of my fears.
Forgetting my dad’s voice.
That one day
I will have to close my eyes tightly
just to remember
how he sounded
when he said my name.
And that thought
breaks me inside.
There are nights
when I dream of him.
Everything feels real.
He hugs me.
He smiles at me.
He asks me
how my day went.
And for a few seconds
I am happy again.
I am the girl
who still had her dad.
But then…
I wake up.
And the room
is empty.
And the silence
reminds me
it was only a dream.
I think that
is one of the worst ways
to wake up.
Since he left
I learned to hug tighter.
To say “I love you”
even when it feels unnecessary.
To say goodbye
as if it were the last time.
Because you never know
when it really will be.
And I wish
I had never learned that.
People say:
\"Don’t think like that.\"
But it’s impossible.
When you have lost
someone you loved so deeply,
your heart
starts living
ready for another blow.
Even if it never comes.
Even if everything is fine.
Fear
always finds a way to stay.
My biggest fear
is not dying.
My biggest fear
is living through
that day again
when the world
stopped.
Hearing those words again.
Feeling the ground disappear again.
Holding someone while they cry
because there is nothing left to do.
No.
I couldn’t.
Not again.
And if one day
God listens
to everything I keep inside,
I only want to ask for one thing.
Not money.
Not luck.
Not a perfect life.
Just please
protect my sister.
Let her come home
every time she leaves
Keep her safe
when I can’t.
Because I already know
what it feels like
to lose a father.
And there are still nights
when I cry for him.
I don’t know
if I could survive
losing the only person
I still have left.
They say pain
gets smaller with time.
I don’t think so.
I think we just learn
to hide it better.
Because there is a girl
still living inside me.
A girl
who still waits
for her father to open the door again.
A girl
who still needs his hug.
A girl
who every night before sleeping
looks at the sky with tears in her eyes
and stays silent.