Yesterday,
I finally admitted it to myself.
Not whispered.
Not hinted.
Not hidden behind maybe.
I said the words.
I am gay.
And for one beautiful moment,
everything felt lighter.
Then I thought about my parents.
The weight came crashing back.
How do I tell them?
Do I sit them down
at the kitchen table?
Do I blurt it out
between commercials?
Do I write a letter
and leave it on their bed?
What if they just stare at me?
What if they cry?
What if they tell me
it\'s a phase,
a mistake,
a misunderstanding?
What if they think
they did something wrong?
What if they think
I did?
A darker thought arrives,
one I hate even as I think it.
What if they don\'t want me anymore?
What if they look at me
and see someone different?
Someone broken.
Someone they never wanted.
I know it sounds dramatic.
But at three in the morning,
alone in the dark,
every fear feels possible.
Should I just keep it secret?
Wouldn\'t that be easier?
Nobody gets hurt.
Nobody gets upset.
Nobody asks questions.
I could just lock it away
and pretend.
Except every time I imagine that,
I feel myself disappearing.
And I don\'t want to disappear.
Then another question comes.
Do I look gay?
Can they tell?
Have they noticed the way
I never talk about boys?
The way I light up
when certain girls walk into a room?
The way I suddenly become interested
in activities and events
that happen to include one particular person?
Have they already figured it out?
Have they known for years
while I was busy trying to solve
the mystery myself?
Maybe my mother knows.
Maybe my father knows.
Maybe they are simply waiting
until I am ready.
Or maybe they have no idea at all.
And that uncertainty
is terrifying.
Because right now
I can imagine a hundred reactions.
A hundred futures.
Some wonderful.
Some heartbreaking.
And I won\'t know which one is real
until the words leave my mouth.
So I stand at the edge
of the biggest conversation
I have ever had.
My heart racing.
My hands shaking.
My stomach in knots.
Thinking the same thought
over and over again.
I am so fucking scared.
Not because I\'m ashamed
of who I am.
Not anymore.
I\'m scared because I love them.
And when you love someone,
their opinion matters.
Their acceptance matters.
Their embrace matters.
So I take a breath.
And another.
And another.
Knowing that someday,
when I am ready,
I will tell them.
Not because I am fearless.
But because the truth deserves
to be spoken.
Even when your voice trembles.
© Susie Stiles-Wolf