I love my father. I hate him.
No, wait. I think I love him.
Love and hate keeps oscillating,
Why can\'t I pick a side?
Somedays I\'m very understanding.
Somedays I\'m grieving an alive man.
Somedays I want to protect him from pain,
Somedays I want him to swallow what he caused.
And there a hundred thousand books,
So many people with advice.
But they\'re so unhelpful to me,
When I\'m standing with a traitorous loving heart.
I want an answer. A guide. A mentor.
Tell me what to do, I can\'t fix this.
You cannot be a good child to a bad parent,
Teach me to be the first exception.
Teach me to be okay with this.
To know he could love me but chose not to.
Show me how to survive pain,
When all he did was teach me what I don\'t want to.
Father. Dad. Papa. Pops.
None of these titles ever fully matched.
I\'ve stood a terrified child, all alone,
Because he decided my pain couldn\'t be watched.
He gave me every toy I asked for,
Couldn\'t remember the name of my school.
Told me, don\'t be stupid of course I love you,
Never gave it a reason to matter.
And I\'ll grow up someday,
And be a better parent.
I\'ll hold and hug and tell I love,
It\'s hard work, not talent.
But I suppose nothing can really change,
The soft hearts I will someday nurture,
Can never take away my pain,
Cannot fix my past, can only build my future.
All the right things I will do,
Will not time travel.
They won\'t hold my younger self,
And say dear God you were worth the hassle.
-Insanely Hilarious