With a heavy heart I continue to say,
Take it all day by day…
In the evening hours,
His words begin to play.
Skipping like a record,
Saying the exact same thing.
But those messages can’t be replaced.
The truth within them doesn’t go away
And just like him…I know I’ll never change.
I always had this vision,
It would come to me in quick little glimpses.
The scenery is apocalyptic
and I am still standing.
Dressed in armor, weapon in hand.
Flames all around,
and alone I stand.
Some type of leader- that’s what makes no sense.
There are people who’s faces I cannot see,
and for some reason it appears they’re all relying on me.
As I’ve gotten older it’s never changed.
but there’s truth behind it,
in reality, I’m one of the few that remains.
Death has taken nearly everyone I knew.
the others are suffering
And though I’ve tried so hard, there’s nothing left I can do…
Now I find,
that my emotions and hardships I must once again hide.
the trust I once had In him,
has proven my trauma right.
He’s not abusive by any means,
but when shit hits the fan,
he throws all of my dirt back at me.
I\'ve become very tired…
So if i truly must walk alone.
I must protect myself first.
He is no longer home.
I accept my place now.
That I am a peasant.
I am meant to be walked on,
and I need to be grateful that because of my presence. He isn’t.
but no more will I express,
my hopes or dreams, my nightmares or distress.
As a child, my abuse taught me,
that I was right to hide. And hold it all internally.
There truly is no one to fully trust.
I will wake each morning, go through all of the motions, work off all I can, and hope and pray that I’ll soon go back to bed.
At least when it’s me inside my head,
while I sleep, I’m not really where I am.
One day it will finally be my turn.
I will be gone.
and others will inherit anything I’ve earned.
‘Til then, I promise to strive,
To paint on a good smile, and give others a good life.