SUZY Q, The Play.
Glazier\'s lorry carrying a large pane of glass. Four occupants, three
young, one old. Heading into the city to one of the prestigious
Council buildings
Old George starts the conversation.
You see, you young guys are okay for the small stuff, houses
and like.
But this is the real McCoy, get this wrong, and there\'s hell to pay.
Terry and Joe, sitting behind George, are giving him the tosser
sign.
Meanwhile, over at Suzy\'s apartment.
The alarm goes off, Martin stirs, Suzy climbs over him, sighs,
26 today, and switches off the alarm, then proceeds to have
Her wicked way with Martin.
Suzy. Mmmm, had better, and climbs off.
Martin. What you doing?
Suzy. Shower, dopey.
Martin. Apoplectic, cries out, you can’t leave me like this, I’ll get blue
balls syndrome.
Suzy Laughs, fake it; I’ve been doing it for years.
Martin. Bitch.
Nadia. Lives in the next apartment, and hears everything. She thinks
Martin’s a sex maniac. Nadia hates all talk of sexual banter.
But secretly loves Madonna and aspires to be her.
Glazing lorry arrives at the Council.
George Right, no messing about, straight into the hole, secured and
finished.
Terry, Wow, straight in the hole- that’s experience, that is.
Joe. Yep- you’ve either got it or you’ve either not got it, got it Terry.
Terry Got it Joe
Bill The dim witted driver. I dug a hole yesterday.
George. Stop pissing about, grab an end.
Glass doesn’t fit.
George. Bloody suppliers, hopeless bastards. Do you know that’s
what’s wrong with this country? It’s run by incompetents.
Frantic phone call to the boss, who’s now onto the suppliers going mad .
Terry. Who measured the job?
George. I did, right down to the last inch. That’s why I’m on this job.
Terry. Knows exactly what’s happened, and is going to milk the
situation.
Terry. You measured the job in old currency.
Joe. What’s that then?
Terry. It’s like in the old days, your granny would get a penny for her
pocket money, she’d grab the wheelbarrow and run down to
the sweetie shop.
Joe. Wow, how many sweeties did you get for a penny?
Terry. Just the one, a penny carmel they called it.
Joe. What did she need the wheelbarrow for?
Terry. To carry it, they were massive, took a week to eat it.
Terry and Joe are killing themselves laughing.
George. What the hell is wrong with you two?
Just when things can’t get any worse, Bill adds his bit.
Bill. Does the hole not fit the glass?
George Is talking to himself. Why the hell did I come out of
retirement?
Terry. What are the measurements, George?
George. 8’ by 6’.
Terry. Not being as experienced as you George, but I think you’ll
find that glass is 2800 mm by 1600 mm. But just to make
sure.
Joe, do the honours.
Joe. Certainly, Terry, small or large tape.
Terry. Large, I think Joseph, my man.
Wow look at that. 2800 by 1600. spot on. They glass cutters
are experienced.
Joe. Technically, it’s the guy on the computer, the machine
does the rest.
Terry. Well George, we’ll leave you to tell the bossman.
Phone call to the boss.
George. Wee mistake with the measurements, Mr Dunstable.
Boss. How wee.
George. I gave the measurements to the suppliers in inches, and
they sent them out in millimetres.
Boss. You sent measurements in inches, only dinosaurs use inches. (Speaking to secretary. Sent the measurements in inches, in inches, can’t believe it. Ranting now. Check the agency, see if he’s been in prison the last 30 years, maybe been sectioned, that’s it- he’s been let out.
Chelsea. The secretary. Sorts everything out with the suppliers
and Council.
Boss. Takes charge again. Right, get Terry to measure
the job, I’m going out.
Chelsea. Right, Mr Dunstable. ( Under breath.) Going home then
Suzy. Suzy’s getting ready, while Martin’s in a mood.
Martin. What’s the big rush?
Suzy. Need to get over to Big Bertha’s; I’m doing her make-up.
Martin. That’s the man- woman.
Suzy. She’s a wrestler, dopey.
Martin. Exactly what I said, so why do we need to paint
her face, I mean, plastic surgery couldn’t fix that woman
Suzy. It’s for her clients.
Martin. Right, clients, ok I’m missing something here.
Does she teach wrestling in her house?
Suzy. Got it in one, right? See you later, I’ll be doing a few
hours in the bar tonight.
Martin. Hold it.
Suzy. Can’t, see you later.
Martin. Is still seething. Now he has to pass old Mrs Smith
in the next flat.. ( You never see Mrs Smith; she
just shouts through the letterbox every morning
when Martin’s going to work. Martin carefully
closes the door and tiptoes past Mrs Smith\'s door
Mrs Smith. Letterbox opens. Martin, can you get me cigarettes?
Martin. Yes, Mrs Smith.
Nadia. Comes out at the same time, and is looking down at
Martin’s blue balls.
Martin. Engages Nadia in a very slow and loud voice.
How are you finding life in Britain.
Nadia. Deciding Martin’s a bit dim, does the same.
I’m doing fine.
Martin. Ok, and he’s off running for the bus.
Suzy. Is heading to the cash line; she bends down to fix her
shoe. Just enough time for her bag to be snatched.
This is all being monitored on CCTV.
The snatcher’s running down a lane with Suzy in
pursuit.
CCTV Operations room..
Gerry. What do you think she’ll do when she catches him?
Tony. That’s a definite leg break.
Gerry, Suppose we better phone the boys to save him
When the Police get there, the bag snatcher is hanging
upside down attached to a chain, Suzy’s swinging him
to and thro, whilst punching him between the legs.
Police. Arrive laughing their heads off. How’s it going Micky,
see you’ve met Suzy.
Micky. Yeah, I want her arrested for assault and kidnap.
Police. And you’ll be wanting the bag snatch charge dropped.
Micky. Definitely, we’ll call it quits.
Police Okay, Micky, it’s a deal; we’ll let Suzy look after you.
Micky. What, second thoughts, arrest me.
Police. Not worth the paperwork, Micky.
Micky. I’ll confess to ten other crimes; just keep her away from
me.
Police. What do you say Suzy?
Suzy. Only if I can taser him.
Police. Yeah, that should be okay.
Micky. Is trying to climb up the chain.
Police and Suzy. All laugh.
Police. What’s on today Suzy?
Suzy. Off to make Big Bertha pretty.
Police. Nice one.
CCTV
Tony. Is he dead?
Police. No, badly shaken though.
Tony. Did she break anything?
Police. No, but he won’t be using the crown jewels for a while.
Suzy. Gets to Bertha’s.
Bertha. As a sideline, is entertaining men in her bedroom, but
things are getting stale, so she needs a new approach.
Bertha. How\'s it going, Suzy, or should I say, Wonder Woman?
Suzy. Jesus, you can’t do anything in this city.
Bertha. I know, why do you think I work indoors? So what do you
have in mind for me.
Suzy. Well, I’m thinking Mohican with black lines across your
face.
Bertha. Radical, I like it.
Suzy Finishes Bertha just as her first client arrives. Big 6 foot 4
muscle bound hulk.
Bertha. Right Suzy, send him in and I’ll surprise him.
Suzy. Right big boy, she’s waiting for you.
Hulk. Goes in, looks at Bertha in horror, and faints.
Bertha. Maybe a bit too radical.
Suzy Is heading off to Meryl’s, the posh bar. Justin, the owner, is
discussing fashion with Issy ( Isobel ).
Justin. Ah, It’s the birthday girl. Martin, get you something nice.
Suzy. Are you kidding? Well, actually, he did slip me a length.
Suzy. Now, away to serve customers.
Justin. God, how vulgar, turns to Issy. Tell me again, why do I employ that girl
Issy. That’s simple, she beats up the troublemakers, and
throws out the drunks.
Justin. Looks into his mind\'s eye, seeing Suzy doing a Bruce Lee
on four rowdies, then sighs, right.
.
Suzy. Is talking to Clive and his boyfriend Dom. Both are
members of, \'\'Fathers for Justice\'\' who are organising
something at the council where Clive’s ex-wife works.
.
Suzy. Any luck with the wife, Clive?
Clive. No, she’s still being stubborn.
Suzy. Unusual for us women to be stubborn, have you tried chocolates?
Clive. Funny you should say that, cos tomorrow I’m going to
fly up to her office window with a box.
Suzy. I’m passing there tomorrow, why don’t I just hand them
to her.
Clive. Explains how he’s organised TV coverage to highlight his
plight.
Clive. Might have to stay up there a couple of days.
Suzy. Maybe you could put the bar\'s name on your costume,
Cheer Justin up.
Clive. Rather, put myself on Justin.
Dom. He’s not your type.
Clive. Has he got a boyfriend yet?
Suzy. Just himself and his ego.
Clive. Well, we’re off- lots to do. Look out for us tomorrow.
Justin. Talking to Suzy. Is Martin taking you out tonight?
Suzy. No, this is his darts night.
Issy. What are men all about? Now, my perfect man would
Undress me, taking care not to crease my clothes, then he
would hang them up, go and shower.
Suzy. How is John?
Issy. Dumped the plonker, he stood on my heels at the dancing.
150 pounds, Jimmy Choo. Then he calls me a prima
donna
Suzy. Men.
Suzy. Heads off home. She meets Nadia at the flat, and asks her
to pop in for coffee later.
Suzy. Enters the flat, where she can hear Martin cursing at the
dartboard. She slips out of her skirt and enters the room.
Martin glances over as he’s throwing the dart, which hits
the wardrobe.
Martin. What you doing.
Suzy. Just making myself comfortable. Off to darts then, pity,
unbuttoning her blouse.
Martin. Don’t even think about it; in fact, that’s sexual harassment.
Suzy. Sex, Martin.
Martin. Don’t want it, cos I’m a man, and I’m going to the pub.
Suzy. See you then.
Martin. How does it feel now that the tables have turned?
Suzy. You’ll be the one tossing, your darts, that is.
Martin. Don’t even go there, and he’s off to the pub.
Ten minutes later, Nadia rings the bell.
Suzy. Hi Nadia, coffee or tea.
Nadia. Tea would be great, Suzy.
Martin. Is nearing the bar, but thoughts of Suzy are racing through
his head. Eventually he succumbs, and runs home.
Enters the flat, frantically stripping off down to his boxers,
leaping into the sitting room. Okay, you win.
Nadia. Is screaming.
Suzy. Runs out of the kitchen to see Martin trying to explain.
But Nadia runs out of the flat.
Suzy. Well, dopey, you’ve done some dumb things in your life, but
this tops them all.
Martin. This is your fault; you provoked me with sex.
Suzy. So says, I’m a man.
Martin. Exactly, that’s why I came back.
Suzy. Well, we all saw that. Poor Nadia, pink boxers, she probably
thought you were a fairy.
Martin. What am I going to do?
Suzy. Aw, don’t worry, I’ll take you out Saturday and buy you new
ones.
Martin. Always the wit, will I go in and explain.
Suzy. Yeah, tell her it was my birthday treat; the balloons come
later.
Martin. Yeah, that’s right, I’ll tell her it’s an old British custom. See
Suzy, brains or what.
Martin’s getting dressed; he heads along to Nadia’s door.
Suzy. Waits till he rings the bell before giving him the news.
Suzy. Oh Martin.
Martin. Has it under control.
Suzy. Meant to say, Nadia’s British.
Next Morning.
Glazing lorry returning to the council.
Terry is in front now, with an air of superiority.
Terry. You see, in a job like this, it’s got to be measured right down
to the last mm.
George. Is giving him the tosser sign.
Terry. 1 mm that way, 2 mm the other way, you’re goosed.
Basically down to the metric system, George.
George Is about to speak, but Bill butts in.
Bill. My Mary said when we went metric, I reached the full 6
inches.
George. You didn\'t reach 6 inches, stupid, you reached 6. Terry and
Joe stare at him.
George. Your Mary said that.
Bill. Yeah, smiling to himself.
Joe. Here we are again. Reached the job.
Terry. Straight in, clipped and finished.
Clive. Is getting himself into position. He’s dressed as Superman.
Dom. Is operating a mobile crane, just waiting for Clive’s signal.
Cameras are rolling.
Mr Dunstable. Is heading into the office, he stops to go into the
newsagents, which just happens to be beside a
television showroom. He spots the company glazing
van through the window, and assumes they’re filming
down at the council. An old lady joins him.
Mr Dunstable. That’s my Glazing firm, we’re doing a big job for
the Council.
Old Lady. That’s nice
Assistants in the shop.
Assistant 1. Tell you what, they 54 inch screens are selling like
hot cakes. Look at that man pointing at them. Got
me a sale here.
Assistant 2 Go get them girl.
Just as the assistant gets to the door, the inevitable
happens. Clive gives Dom the signal to swing him up
to the office ledge, just as Terry, Joe, and George are
walking away from the van with the glass.
The old lady faints, Mr Dunstable is frothing at the
mouth. The assistant is now backpedaling into the
shop.
The end.