Tristan Robert Lange

Persons of Conviction

The prosecution has made its case,

The defense countered and rested.

Since it has been determined

That corporations are persons,

With certain inalienable rights

Bestowed upon them by God,

I hereby decree that they

Be free in whatever

Religious decisions they make

In honor of their faith

And in the goodness

Of their hearts.

Let it also be known,

That they, like every person,

Have the freedom to

Exercise their rights,

So long as it does

Not impede or hinder

The freedom of others

To life, liberty,

And the pursuit of

Happiness.

Therefore,

Being that we the People,

Find you guilty of

Restricting equitable

Human reproductive access

To reproductive health care—

And being we find you guilty

Of discriminatory policies

Against sex and gender,

It is our sovereign duty

To decree that

The Lobby’s Hobby—

All 1,001 locations—

Are in violation of code 777

And are remanded

Without bail,

Immediately,

Chance for parole in ten years.

Bailiff.

© 2026 Tristan Robert Lange. All rights reserved.

First published on tristanrobertlange.com, August 8, 2026.

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