How I wish I was born the \'Heroic Man\',
And travel the globe to foil the odd plan-
Of World Dominion by a Mad Doctor or two;
Then Bloody his nose and Blow-Up his H.Q.
But when fate dealt the cards It was never my lot;
So I ambled along with the life that I got.
No \'Femme Fatale\' or \'Russian Spy\' to entrap me with all her charm;
My other half is is the Fish Shop girl,
All Tattoos and Wrestlers Arms.
No Aston Martin awaits outside
For the Tables at \'Royal\' with Le Chiffre;
For I place my Bet with the Bingo Set,
All Grannies with Shaky False Teeth.
No \'Savile Row\' Suits that are elegantly cut,
No Shoes being the finest made;
I am what you see , a pity-ful sight,
An Advert for \'Christian Aid\'.
No U.N.C.L.E. Agent or \'Saint\' am I
Nor Partner to the divine Mrs Peel;
I\'ve have never travelled to some exotic locale;
Or Punch-Ups to bring Villains to heel.
A life of Intrigue would be my Plan;
All \'Jason King\' and \'Danger Man\'.
But as it is the Gods did see-
I was never the Man I hoped to be.