I say no
and somehow
no becomes a question.
Again,
he asks.
Again,
I hesitate.
Until my voice gets tired
of being a boundary
and becomes a yes
just to make the asking stop.
And he calls it confusing
because sometimes
I want closeness,
sometimes I want his hands,
sometimes I want to feel loved
but wanting him
doesn\'t mean wanting everything.
Sometimes my body stays
while my mind goes somewhere else.
I close my eyes
and wait for the moment
to be over.
And when it is,
I feel relief
instead of warmth.
Maybe that\'s what I\'ve been trying
not to hear.
Maybe I\'m not confused
about whether I love him.
Maybe I\'m confused
because I\'ve learned
to mistake giving in
for wanting.
I don\'t want to be loved
because I eventually said yes.
I want to be loved
when my answer is no.
I want a no
that doesn\'t need explaining.
A no that isn\'t followed
by “just one more.”
A no that can simply exist
between two people
who are supposed to care
for each other.
And maybe one day
I\'ll say yes
because I mean it
not because
I ran out of no.