Don\'t think I can take it
With every drama, a piece of me dies
Like some kind of sadist
I think that he likes to see the pain in my eyes
Abuse. A-B-U-S-E. To treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
When I met my boyfriend he seemed really into me. He would constantly tell me that I was beautiful and that he loved me. He made me feel so special. We eventually moved in together and that’s when things began to change.
Physical abuse is intentional bodily injury. Some examples include slapping, pinching, choking, kicking, shoving, or inappropriately using drugs or physical restraints
Doctors on the other line
\'Cause he\'s not coming home tonight
And I just took my very last pill
Need something to numb the pain
Demons knocking on my brain
I think they\'re coming in for the kill
I’d just given birth to our baby. He told me I was of no use sexually and that he didn’t love me. Then he came home one night and tried to strangle me as I was sleeping. My brother was staying with me at the time and heard my screaming. He saved my life.
This is part of a story you’ve heard before and will continue to hear throughout your life. Abuse is everywhere, whether you see it or not. I would know. I was abused by someone who was supposed to be my rock.. who was supposed to be my father. He would tell me I wasn’t good enough, he would make fun of me to his friends and body shame me, he even went as far as telling me that he’d wish he’d had a son instead of me. He didn’t change. Not ever. Not when I cut myself so bad I left scars. Not when I was sent to a mental hospital because of the trauma he inflicted. And not when I called him out for it after I had attempted suicide. He never changed. It took me far too long to realize that I was not the problem. He wasn’t abusing me because of something I did. I can’t change him and I can’t change what he’s done. But I can share my story with people and hope that they will recognize the signs if it happens to them. In this program I have used the song 911 by Ellise, the oxford dictionary definition of abuse, stories from safe and equal.org, signs of abuse by the DSHA, Laura’s story from the survivors trust, Sophie’s story from brook.org, stories from NCDV.org, , and stories from riseuk.org to create, “911, I’m alive but not living.” Dedicated to everyone like me, who had to put up with the abuse they could not run away from.
I went on a night out with friends, a reunion that started off so well. I remember the dancing, the constant flow of drinks…pints, gin, vodka, sambuca to name a few. Yes, it is not ideal to mix however, when you are reminiscing, and your group had a booth with a table full of drinks; you would probably do the same! Anyway, the lights flashed, the music bounced off the walls and suddenly a trip to the loo mixed with alcohol on a busy autumn international night in Cardiff…makes you forget what floor you left your friends on.
Sexual abuse is nonconsensual sexual contact (any unwanted sexual contact). Examples include unwanted touching, rape, sodomy, coerced nudity, sexual explicit photographing.
Fast forward to the smoking area alone on the phone, where I swayed and debated leaving. “A taxi home would be safer than walking in the rain”. Before I was allowed in, I had to pay by card, he insisted on no cash. I entered the taxi behind the passenger seat in the back and it began. The looks through the rear-view mirror were instant…my memory of the journey is absent until we reach my corner. My directions at this point were now ignored but I trusted him. He parked, away from my house. He locked the car with me still inside. He looked back. “Kiss me”. He had hold of my wrists and climbed through to the back where he began to sexually assault me. I am unsure for how long this lasted but he later broke away and asked to use my toilet. This enabled me to get out of the car so…I said yes.
You must think that I\'m crazy
Well, he does too, so I guess that makes three
Need someone to save me
I\'d really appreciate if you\'d intervene
Why I ever thought I could get into my house first in a pair of heels whilst heavily intoxicated I do not know, but even so, I looked back to see how ahead I was…even now I can see him running down that pavement to reach me at my door. In my own home, he was in control. He stole my breath, he stole my voice, he stole my body. He raped me.
Doctors on the other line
\'Cause he\'s not coming home tonight
Can\'t seem to find my bottle of pills
Swear to God I\'m not insane
The voices only say his name
When I\'m starting to think that they\'re real
When I was a teenager, I was in a relationship, and it wasn’t a good one. I’m the world’s worst when it comes to self-doubt and one of the hardest things for me was not knowing whether what was happening was abusive or just… sort of bad. Was I overreacting? Had he just had a hard life? Did he need my help?
Mental mistreatment or emotional abuse is deliberately causing mental or emotional pain. Examples include intimidation, coercion, ridiculing, harassment, treating an adult like a child, isolating an adult from family, friends, or regular activity, use of silence to control behavior, and yelling or swearing which results in mental distress.
For the next 8 years, he was verbally abusive. He would raise his voice and shout at me. He would treat me in a dismissive and derogatory manner, he would belittle me in front of others to show off. He would have to be in control at all times and that control extended to me as well. I got used to being treated in that way.
There were insults about my appearance, my interests, family and friends, but these would change so I never knew how I was supposed to be and whatever I tried was wrong. I started to realise it had become an abusive relationship and my close friends were worried about me.
By then though, I was so stuck, I kept thinking that if I changed how I was, ‘supported’ him better, kept going through this tricky phase etc that things would go back to the way they were at the beginning. I know everyone says that - I think it’s because they’re so good at convincing you their behaviour is all your fault.
911, I need someone
My baby plays me like a game, I\'m not having fun
911, tell him he\'s won
My heart is always aching, and I gotta be done
\'Cause I, I, I gotta lose my guy
Or I, I\'m, I\'m gonna lose my mind