Sir Malcolm is dead, they\'ve screwed down the Lid,
But I\'ve recently been thinking: Was it something I did?
For he was a Placid old thing to friends I have said;
Except for the time when he found me in Bed -
With his Luscious hot Wife who\'s a Hell of a flirt...
By the Sedatives needed he was a trifle bit hurt.
And when his Mother died he took it quite hard,
But lent me the Money for a Sympathy Card.
And in my defence I humbly Beg,
I got quite distracted by a shapely Leg,
And the Card he received brought on a Mad fit:
As \'Congratulations\' were brightly writ.
And when I borrowed his car, a Porsche 911;
And rammed into a Tree when my drinking was done.
I said I was sorry to avoid any dispute;
Then throw-up my lunch on his Armani Suit.
His Album of Stamps were assembled with care;
All very Valuable, all very Rare.
I took them outside for a much better look;
A Gale bellowed down and emptied the Book.
And he was into his Wine, A Connoisseur in fact;
Some Centuries Old Plonk were laid in their Racks.
So I opened a few , they weren\'t very grand;
Then I replaced what I drank with some \'Tesco\'s\' own Brand. And a great lover of Art, he owned a Rembrandt;
But I Coughed on the Canvas so he went on a Rant,
About an Artist Sublime, a Genius among Men-
And how \'Bathsheba at her Bath\' is now covered in Phlegm.
I still owe him some money: on Six Hundred Pounds,
And his Tools that I borrowed are Rust laid around.
So I put in his Shed the Tools I did hire;
Then dropped my Cigarette and set the whole place on fire.
Together we went Hunting when down came a Fog;
I got very confused and Shot his old Dog.
He then burst into tears, took it real Rough;
Said \'Prince\' was a Champion at a thing they called \'Crufts\'.
And his University Daughter I feel I should say,
I piled on the Charm and Whisked her away.
After I told him \'Just Married dear Father in law\';
The Paramedics gave up and couldn\'t do anymore.
So poor old Malcolm in life played his Part,
But events got to much and he clutched at his Heart.
And I know this is feeble and frankly quite lame:
But I still get the feeling that I was partially to blame.