It starts as nothing, barely a thought.
A little voice I wish I could drown.
It slips underneath everything good.
I tell myself I won’t listen this time.
I keep breathing, keep pretending I’m fine.
But the thought keeps knocking from inside.
I hate how one thought can become a war.
How badly I want to forget what I once did.
I bargain with myself until I’m exhausted.
I swear I’m stronger, then suddenly I’m not.
One moment of weakness feels like losing everything.
And shame comes rushing in before I can breathe.
I wish recovery meant never wanting it again.
I wish my brain would stop remembering the escape.
I wish I could hurt without feeling the blade on me
Instead, I sit with blood on my body and fucking ache.
I am still here, even when staying feels impossible.
And maybe tonight, i won\'t feel the pain..