And here comes the man of the moment. Front-page news in the Daily Bugle.
Man charged with affray in the local cemetery. THE HEADLINE READS.
Police were called, not once but twice, to the cemetery where local man Jeff Burns was involved in a fracas with another man. Police detained Jeff Burns after Colin Burns received injuries that resulted in a broken nose. Jeff Burns has pleaded not guilty, and the case will be heard next week in the local court.
Okay, Jeff, is your defence going to be that you’re pleading insanity? What the hell happened? Who is Colin Burns? How did the fight start?
Well, it was actually a misunderstanding. I was talking to Mary when this guy asked me what I was doing talking to his wife. Well, naturally, I told him to bug off; I was talking to my wife. Things got a bit heated, and before I knew it, he had phoned the police.
Is this when you broke his nose?
No, the police asked me when my Mary died. So I told them, five years ago. They checked the headstone, and it turned out not to be my Mary.
So where was your Mary?
She was three rows in front; it was very embarrassing.
So how the hell did the guy get a broken nose?
Well, when I eventually got to talk to Mary. Mary told me I had actually been talking to the other Mary for months.
Your Mary speaks to you. How did she know you were speaking to the other Mary?
Well, at night time the other Mary goes and talks to her, and she tells my Mary all the things I was telling her.
Right, I’m not at the worry stage just yet, well I am a bit, but you’re going to explain everything in big letters, and I’m going to pretend I’m the judge not sending you down for ten years. How did the guy get the broken nose?
Oh right, I see what you mean. Well, when Mary told me the story, I naturally went back and told Colin, but he sort of recoiled, and I fell into him, my head hitting his nose.
Right, I take it he was sitting down when you told him the story.
Yeah, he was; there was blood everywhere, and me being a first aider, I tried to stem the flow.
Oh god, tell me you didn’t grab his nose. No wonder the guy phoned the police again; you’re a maniac.
I’m not a maniac; it was just one of those unfortunate days. Everyone has them now and again.
Right, let me remind you: last Friday night in the bar, you went up to get five beers, and for some reason you disappeared. I asked Linda if she’d seen you, and just as she said no, you walked back into the bar with five beers you\'d bought in the bar across the road.
Linda was bloody livid; she hates the Ship and Anchor, which is why she puts a W in front of anchor whenever anyone mentions it. She now puts a W in front of you now.
I had a senior moment; it happens.
Right, a senior moment is good, I think we should use that in your defence, maybe throw in you\'re insane to boot.
You don’t have to, I’ve spoken to Mary, and she says it won’t go to court now.
Why won’t it go to court.
Well seemingly, this Thursday, Colin will drop dead visiting his Mary at the graveside.
Your Mary told you this.
Yes, the dead know these things.
I don’t know why I’m saying this, but you better not be anywhere near that graveyard on Thursday.
And here comes the man of the moment. Front-page news in the Daily Bugle.
THE HEADLINE READS.
Man found dead in the local cemetery in suspicious circumstances. Police arrested a suspect but had to release him after the local bar owner provided a watertight alibi.
Seemingly, the gravestone fell on top of Colin Burns, killing him outright. The Police are still keeping an open mind in the case.
Well, Jeff, looks like your Mary was right, and what a result, Linda giving you that alibi.
Yes, it sure was, and the strange thing is. Linda wasn’t here on Thursday; she was visiting her mum in the cemetery.