I called my imaginary friends
then shut them out: they couldn\'t help.
I sought \'doctor\' in lists of names
Hesitating, then determined.
At first I made an iced coffee:
\'This will soothe you and bring some peace\'
Then wrote a letter to a friend:
\'It\'s been two months, still I\'m winning.\'
Ate an apple, put on lipstick
Every rage politely dismissed.
Until roughly emerged in me
the giant monster named misery.
I reached for everyone I could
for I swore to deny my heart:
A counselor who was so near
(we hadn\'t spoken in a year.)
A teacher whom I used to know
who resigned two years ago.
Another one then, who\'s pretty close—
anyone, anyone at all.
Two minutes never felt so long
My flesh burning for cruel and wrong.
I tried to reason with myself
She cursed me and said \"Go to hell!\"
The door was open, my mother passed
She was too tired to notice that.
I argued still when my sister peeked in
I smiled at her: guiltless, no sin.
Books and phones made it no better
The Word abandoned on the floor.
I stopped waiting.
To me, I said—
alas! my voice never so hoarsh—
\"Sorry, willow,
We\'ve lost the game.\"
I sat up and turned on the light,
the monster offered smiles so wide.
I made my art, carved lines and lines
and felt better after a while.
Ended the battle, and I had lost,
I write this to apologize.