For months upon months
I struggled hence:
To a fantasy I clung intense
I was plagued by shame
By fear, by noise
And by the sense that
This isn’t natural for boys
With anguish deeply raw and tense
I had a “Boys don’t cry” type sentiment
I didn’t love and accept my desire
While burned inside an unholy fire
The tender places of my heart
Crushed, erased, and torn apart
But after months of self-confliction
I realized the truth it was not an affliction
For my wounds run deep
And from loneliness sprung
The deepest need to be held by one
My mind imagined a woman’s embrace
Her holy efforts to make me feel safe
So finally I’ve embraced the truth
That it’s not wrong to want to be soothed
So here I am alone, unhealed
But at least now I have permission to feel
And I’ll move on step by step
Waiting for the day when I can connect
To someone who can touch my heart
My problems aren’t solved but it’s a start
I’ll keep my habits slow and steady
Prepare myself so I’ll be ready
And listen to the fatherly voice of Christ
Let him care for His son’s trembling cries