Okay, Grandad, what’s this great story?
You’ll enjoy this one, Lucy.
Once upon a time, there was this old man who was feeling very lonely. So he went to his doctor for some help. His doctor suggested he get a pet and sent him down to the pet store. The pet store owner thought a parrot would be a great fit for the old man; he could teach it to speak, and it would be great company. The old man bought the parrot and took it home, and throughout the week he began teaching it words, though for some reason the bird wouldn’t speak. He went back to the pet shop and told the owner the parrot hadn’t said a word.
The petshop owner was confused. He asked the old man if the parrot was running around its cage. The old man told him it didn’t have a cage.
Well that’s the problem then, it needs a little house to live in, I can sell you one for a hundred pounds. The old man bought the cage and left.
A week later he returned and told the petshop owner the bird still hadn’t said a word.
The pet shop owner was confused. Is he running around his little cage.
Yes, he’s running around his cage.
Is he admiring himself in the mirror.
Well no, he doesn’t have a mirror.
That’s your problem then, parrots love their own reflection, I can sell you one for twenty-five pounds.
The old man bought the mirror and left. A week later he was back. The parrot still wasn’t speaking.
The pet shop owner was confused. Is he running around his cage?
Yes, said the old man.
Is he admiring himself in the mirror?
Yes, said the old man.
Is he climbing up his ladder?
No, he doesn’t have a ladder.
Oh, parrots love climbing up ladders. I can sell you one for twenty pounds, and it\'ll be speaking in no time.
The old man bought the ladder and left. A week later he was back. The parrot had died.
The pet shop owner was confused. Was it running around its cage?
Yes.
Was it looking in the mirror?
Yes.
Was it running up its ladder?
Yes.
Did it say anything before it died?
Yes. It said, \" Does that feckin pet shop not sell bird seed..
Monday at school.
How was your weekend, Lucy?
Oh, it was terrible, Miss. Grandad Paul bought himself a parrot, but he was so busy teaching it to speak that he forgot to feed it, and it died.
What! You leave this with me, Lucy.
The visit from Animal Protection.
Mr Bell, it’s about the Parrot. Oh, actually, do you have any other pets?
Yes, I have a Crocodile, a Zebra, and a Kangaroo too. The Zebra hates the Crocodile.
How big is the crocodile?
About twelve feet
OMG, we’ll need to check this out.
Right, Mr Bell, you don’t actually own any animals, do you?
No, I don’t.
The weekend.
Okay, Grandad, what’s this great story?
You’ll like this one, Lucy. It’s called Little Red Riding Hood.
Monday at school.
How was your weekend, Lucy?
It was terrible, Miss. Grandad Paul is dressing up as an old woman and going into the woods, frightening the little children.
For God\'s sake. You leave this with me, Lucy.
The visit from the Police.
Mr Bell, it’s about you dressing up as an old woman and going into the woods.
What woods.
Well, any woods.
The nearest woods are twenty miles away.
Right, we still need to investigate these things.
The weekend
Okay, Grandad, what’s this great story?
No story tonight, Lucy, I’ve decided tonight to unconfiscate your iPad instead.
I think it’s for the best, Grandad.
Yes, so do I.
And they all lived happily ever after.